#it's horrible and if it happens I will do as I've already promised and throw my laptop in a lake

[wheeler-things]

Henry Creel, Vampires, the Consumption of the Soul, and Will Byers with Powers

Oh look it’s time for yet another longwinded s5 Thinking Thoughts post with an off the rails ending. I feel like I’m getting predictable.

Well, anyway, I talked about this in the tags of a post that I reblogged at one point, but it's currently 20 minutes to midnight and I should either be sleeping or working on writing for the campaign I'm DMing in the new year, but instead all I can think about is Henry Creel and Will having powers and the way that Henry talks about his victims/how they appear in his mindscape. And, you know, also the fact that I've read all the currently available The Locked Tomb books and they left me scarred, and also altered my brain chemistry in such a way that once I thought about this possibility I couldn't stop thinking about it..

So, yeah. Time for me to talk about Henry Creel, and the way he talks about his victims, and I know I put this in the Byler tag, and I promise that's not just because of the target demo. I will eventually circle around to talking about Mike and Will in the context of this post in an unnecessarily angsty way.

But for now... Henry.

In s4e7, Henry tells El: "I could not do that. I could not close off my mind and join in the madness. I could not pretend. And I realized, I didn't have to. I could make my own rules. I could restore balance to a broken world. A predator... but for good. […] With each life I took, I grew stronger. More powerful. They were becoming a part of me. But I was still a child, and I did not yet know my limits. And it nearly killed me."

This monologue is, honestly, full of a bunch of really interesting things, and I'm can think of at least three posts that I currently have on the brain that I'm going to pick it apart for, but in terms of this specific post, I've bolded the bits I'll be focused on, and I'll be back to it in a bit.

Later in that scene, El looks to the dead bodies of the other lab kids, and Henry says: "They're not gone, Eleven. They're still with me. In here."

What I think is really important about this whole scene, right off the bat, is that Henry is not immediately hostile upon realizing that El has disobeyed him and left the closet. Regardless of whether you believe he had any amount of genuine affection for her or not, I think it's really important to note that the way in which Henry bonds with El/gains her trust is through teaching her things. He teaches her how to use her emotions in order to harness her powers more effectively. He teaches her to start questioning Brenner's motives. He teaches her about Sotaria (which also ties in with the previous thing). He teaches her how to escape the lab through the sewers (which I believe it's implied is how she got out of the lab in s1, though I'm not going back to check because I'm rewatching s1 for a different analysis and I don't want to lose my place). So the fact that he's still using his gentle voice with El here, and the fact that he's stopping to explain not only his motivations, but the fact that the people he kills are "not gone" and are "in here" [gestures to his head], suggests to me that he's attempting to teach her one last thing. Something that might make her okay with the fact that he just murdered a whole lab full of literally every person she's ever known save Kali and Brenner.

And this is so easy to dismiss as the ramblings of a mad man, or as him saying something to the effect of "I never forget any of the people that I kill". But I think it's a little dismissive to ignore what Henry says as simply the words of someone entirely disconnected from reality. Obviously, he is deluded. He talks about himself as though he is not also human, and he actively seems to want to kill everyone except possibly El and Will? But having delusions about his importance and identity and ideology is not the same thing as being deluded into believing something untrue about his powers/into falsely believing that his victims are kept alive inside him somehow. Moreover, although this last line in isolation could make sense in the context that he keeps the memories of his victims alive in his own mind, the rest of what he says does not line up with that. Nor does the fact that we see Chrissy's mangled body (and possibly some of the other victims, I'm so sorry I cannot remember-- but definitely at least one of the victims is seen in the mindscape) twisted into his mindscape.

So... now I'm going to go back to the earlier part of his speech and pick apart the bolded parts.

"I could make my own rules." The last time we heard that, it was El was saying it to Mike, in a misquote of Max's "we make our own rules". When Max was saying it, she was reassuring El that respinning the bottle was fine because, as the only two playing the game, they could make their own rules about what to do. However, when El uses it, it's because Mike has realized that she spied on him without his consent, and his offended response is to that "that's against the rules" (from context, it's difficult to know if this is a reference to rules that Hopper set out for her, or rules that she and Mike established together for their relationship-- the former isn't a great look for Mike, and the latter isn't a great look for El). El bites back, saying, "I make my own rules". When she says that, she is essentially saying "I have the ability to spy on you, so if I choose to do so, that's my prerogative" (let me just say: Mike did a lot of things wrong in s3, and he absolutely started the fight between him and El, but this specific action was not great of her). This parallels with Henry saying that he made his own rules, because when he says that, he seems to mean that he had the ability to read peoples' minds (and possibly more than that), and as such, it was his prerogative to do whatever he wanted to whomever he wanted, at any time. El is not the same as Henry (by any stretch of the imagination)... I just think this parallel is interesting (and also the contrast-- ultimately, El did what she did because she was having fun with a friend, which still isn't great because spying on people when they're supposed to be in private is not a good thing to do, but it's in an entirely different league from what Henry has done with similar power).

"A predator... but for good". So... the word "predator" has a lot of meanings, and I don't want to get too deeply into the conversations about whether Henry is or is not worthy of that title in the entirely too human sense, because it's far outside the scope of this post. However, we do know from the context of his monologue that when Henry talks about predators/apex predators, he's talking about spiders. That gives us context to know that when he calls himself a predator, it's likely that he means in the same way that a spider is a predator. Why are spiders predators? Because they hunt and kill other animals for food. The "for food" part of that is really important, because it's a key, defining factor in whether an animal is acting in a predatory way. However, predators are not inherently good or inherently evil. They are, by their nature as animals, inherently neutral. So, when Henry says that he could be "a predator... but for good", we know that he is essentially saying "a predator, like a spider... but with the human capacity to use that predatory status in order to enact what I believe to be good [which, in the context of Henry, means a complete disruption of "normal" human society] in the world".

"With each life I took, I grew stronger. More powerful. They were becoming a part of me." So... this is the line. This is the line that, to me, solidifies the idea that Henry's power grows specifically through the murders that he enacts. And that the people he kills in some way become part of him after death. It's exactly what he says and, although we have reason to doubt some of the other things that he says, this would be a very weird thing for him to lie about from an in-character POV, because it was never brought up as a possibility by anyone else, and weird for him to lie about from a narrative standpoint, because the characters don’t seem to really do anything with that information in s4 (nobody even suggests that Max could be inside Henry’s mind), so if it’s not literally true… why have him say that at all? Because if it isn’t meant literally… it’s a really odd line, and there would be other ways to phrase it if the implication was supposed to be “killing people made me feel stronger/improved my skills, and I metaphorically hold those I kill with me because remembering them gives me perverse glee”. Like, is it possible that’s what he means? Maybe. But personally I think the literal read makes more sense, because the metaphorical read doesn’t make sense in context of him trying to convince El to understand his perspective. Also, just, from a narrative standpoint, if it’s literally true, that opens up avenues to allow previously killed characters to make a re-appearance and, possibly puppeted or twisted by Henry’s mind, screw with the protagonists. Via the UD, Henry killed/directed to be killed: Barb (Nancy), Bob (Joyce or Will… lord if I have to watch Will face down Bob telling him that he killed him, I don’t know what I’ll do), possibly Max (Lucas and/or El), Eddie (Dustin), and technically also Will in s1 if they want to turn the Harry Potter allusions on their head and do a reverse horcrux situation where a sliver of Will’s soul is still in Henry and that’s what’s keeping them connected in which case hhhhhhh (Jonathan, Joyce, and Will could all have interesting reactions to this, but dear god if I have to watch Mike Wheeler face down a twisted, puppeted fragment of Will’s soul and suffer all the abuse Henry can use it to throw at him, and still look at it like s2 Mike looked at Will in the shed? I don’t even know what to say I’ll simply collapse I think??), and then obv if he kills anyone else that would add to the possible haunts. Like. You’ve got a character who can dip into people’s heads and the implication that he literally keeps his victims souls in his mind in some way… you could totally do some interesting stuff with having people meet their tortured and twisted dead loved ones is all I’m saying. Anyway, that’s a tangent. I just think it’s interesting.

So... anyway, in short, we know that Henry is willing to do whatever he wants in service of his own interests, just because he can, regardless of how others feel about it. We know that he considers himself a predator in the animal way (which implies the use of whatever you kill as food or at least a source of energy in some direct way), and that he believes he can specifically harness this predatory nature for his idea of "good". And we know that the people that Henry kills are, in some way, "part of" him, and that taking their lives makes him somehow "stronger" (presumably in his powers).

And... we also know that Henry has been compared to Dracula (or, more broadly, vampires in general via arguably the most famous vampire).

So... the connections to Dracula are pretty obvious on the surface. Scary undead/less dead than originally anticipated dude who was once human but now very much is not lives far away in a spooky old house, surrounded by spooky animals that Aren't Quite Right. And then there are all of the OTHER connections-- a protagonist named Jonathan who is very far away from the woman he loves, SO many letters (I say, thinking about Max's letters and El and Mike's letters and Mike and Will's copious lack of letters, and.... hhh), and a large group going to kill Dracula, including a young woman/girl who has been "marked" by him and, though they have found a rather simple way to keep him at bay from her, if he gets his way she will be killed and will join him forever... I'm just saying. The parallels are there.

But, also, I want to think about vampire myths more generally. Because vampires have a history which dates back at least as far as Mesopotamia (in various forms/in root forms, not necessarily by the name "vampire"/in any forms that are particularly similar to modern interpretations— being clear because I think vampire history/mythology through time is legitimately interesting and many cultures have vampire-like creatures but very few of them are literally called ‘vampires’ and… ugh I’m sorry I’ll get off topic if I let myself rant about this but these myths are so cool!!), so vampires have been a lot of things over time. But at least today, they're very associated with blood in popular culture (nosebleeds), they don't show up in mirrors (traditionally this was because mirrors had silver in them but something something the UD or at least the Mind Flayer doesn't like water, Henry says he holds up a mirror to everyone else... I don't know just interesting), they're associated with bats and wolves (demobats and demodogs), sometimes they're said to be able to turn into mist (the shadow monster?), and there are potential ties to the more general anxieties about blood born or sexually transmitted diseases/to incubus/succubus mythology (a little more abstract here, but this may tie into the way that Henry often appears in dreams/visions which prey on his victims' anxieties-- not to mention, for a show set in the 80s with a gay teen at the forefront, there are copiously no allusions to the AIDS crisis, despite the fact that we see Will being violently bullied for being gay, so, you know, if you take the UD as a metaphor for that reality— a topic so wildly outside the scope of this post that I cannot say more about it even though I actually think it’s a really interesting metaphor that seems to exist in the show— then, yeah, that's another metaphorical tie to blood born/sexually transmitted disease).

But there is also a potential connection between vampires as blood drinkers and the concept of blood as some sort of physical representation of life force/soul. They're not necessarily 1:1 on a spiritual/religious level, depending on your tradition, but it's pretty common to associate blood in some way with the soul. So, when a vampire drinks the blood of their victim, they are, on at least a metaphorical level, essentially consuming the soul of their victims (which gets into some interesting stuff with the common idea that a vampire does not have a soul, or that to become a vampire, one must not only have their blood consumed by a vampire, but must also consume that vampire's blood as well). So, if Henry is allegorically a vampire, and vampires drink something that is metaphorically like soul, and Henry's a predator whose victims make him stronger... hm.

All of which is to say, I think the show is telling us, through the vampire allusions and through the implications of everything he's said, that Henry in some way consumes the souls (or minds or life forces or potential futures or whatever) of his victims (thus making him a true predator who not only kills but also eats what he kills).

This seems to be what he's trying to teach El in that final conversation before she banishes him to the Upside Down, and the fact that she could not (or would not) understand what he was saying seems to have been the thing that turned him from trying to keep her on his side to deciding to attempt to kill her (or to simply make her watch as he kills and presumably consumes Max). And we know that El doesn't learn it, because we can clearly see that killing doesn't make her stronger, so she's clearly not consuming any of the people she's killing. She can mimic Henry's methods of killing people physically (we see this in s1, and that's highlighted when the military suspects that El's doing the murders in s4 because Henry's style is so similar to her own), but she can't or won't do whatever it is that he does to consume souls.

But this poses a problem, though.

Because, El's already had her training montage. She became stronger and went off to face the big bad, and she lost. Max died and Hawkins fell. That's a failure of the "love confession saves the world" trope, as people have discussed, but it's also a failure of the training montage trope! El is at her strongest, and she still cannot defeat Henry alone.

Which brings me to Will. I'm not going to get into all of the details which suggest that Will has powers of some sort, beyond his Henry-sensing abilities. Other people have done that, and there really isn't room for it here. However, what I would wonder is, even if Will discovers his powers at some point before the potential time skip... how is he going to be strong enough to (in tandem with El) defeat Henry, when an entire lab full of trained and superpowered kids weren't able to? Because Will is still a child, himself, and at best, he won't even know about his powers for more than about three years, presumably WITHOUT the intense level of training that El received from birth?

And... here's where I'm going to bring things back to something I've said in another post which is... this late in the game, if they're going to introduce any established protagonists besides El having powers, those powers are going to have to feel like a loss when they first appear/quickly after they appear. The character who has them has to be hurt by them, so they don't feel like a cheap win for the characters. Would it be sudden for Will to develop powers? No, not really. The clues have been there from s1. But they're also subtle enough that if you're not into ST analysis or prone to regularly rewatching the show, they're easy to miss, so a fair bit of s5 would have to be devoted to showing Will realizing that he has them and growing into using them in order for any use of them against Henry to feel earned. Incidentally, these are all the same things which are equally true for the establishment/on-screen development of Byler, so I wouldn’t be shocked if there was a connection there.

And this is where I'm about to go wildly off the rails, but... what if Will has powers and gets a power boost in the absolute worst way possible? Because, depending on how Henry consumes his victims (obviously just killing them isn't it, because that does nothing for El)... I mean. Mike has all those death flags going on (even though I highly doubt he'll end the show dead). I don't know.

I'm just saying... Mike's prone to self-sacrifice, if he thinks it will help the people he loves. I'm just saying, if he were already dying, and if they already knew that Henry has the advantage because he's consuming the souls of the people he kills(/absorbing them into his mindscape in some capacity that allows him to use them to fuel his own abilities), and if they knew that Will had similar powers but with less strength because he only had his own self to draw upon... I'm just saying, would Mike Wheeler do anything else, except beg Will to make his death mean something? Would he honestly trust anyone else enough to literally give everything that he is to them?

I'm just saying, it would be an absolute gut punch of a scene, it would tie back into Mike's s1 character issues of self-sacrifice, it would give narrative weight to what seems to be the fact that Henry in some way keeps or draws power from the people that he's killed. And it would be incredibly easy to write it in such a way that there's more power in a willing sacrifice/in a soul that is willingly with you/willing to work with your own than in a plethora of souls that you have trapped in your mental "web" in order to feast on. Something something gay love saves the day (plus, El's almost certainly going to figure out a way to put Max back into her own body at some point in s5, so it's not even like there wouldn't be a way for Mike to come back to life, as long as they managed to keep his body alive-- also because, as I said in the notes of the post where I first commented on this concept, there's not a snowball's chance in hell that they're ending the show with Will as Mike's devastated living mausoleum, like, it's just not happening that way).

So, uh. Yeah, that’s the thought that keeps spinning in circles around my head, and I hate it so much. I’m aware that this is an out there idea and almost certainly won’t come to pass, and frankly, I’m glad for that.

But the fact that it’s far fetched doesn’t mean that I can unsee the mental image of Mike/Will in a HtN Gideon/Harrow style situation where Mike and Will are both in Will’s head, and Mike, whenever he’s lucid, is begging Will to just finish the job, to consume him properly so Will and El/the Party can be even a step closer to defeating Henry, and meanwhile Will’s doing everything he can to avoid dousing the last bit of Mike he has left, especially when he still hopes to put Mike back in his body. Like. I know this won’t happen, but even the thought that there’s a 0.01% chance that it could has me shaking in my boots.

[archangeldyke-all]

Reader using the power of seduction to get her way? She wants pick the show they watch tonight but Sevika fights her on it? Sloppy head.

She wants to get Sevika out the house to come run errands with her on a busy Sunday morning? Sloppy Top.

She wants Sevika to do the dishes? Reader is shoving her hands down her wife’s pants.

😌🤗🙏🏽

i love this so muchhh

men and minors dni

sevika's whipped for you. she's past the point of even trying to deny it. she's not really sure what happened to her, or when her womanizing ways were traded in for a singular obsession with you-- but it's where she finds herself now.

she wouldn't trade it for the world.

that doesn't mean it's not a little embarassing for sevika how quickly she folds for you.

like a week ago. she'd had plans she'd been looking forward to all fucking week to go on a bar crawl with a few of the crew members. and then she'd gotten home, and you'd pouted when she told you her plans.

"sorry baby, the boys are already waiting for me at the last drop." she grunted as you wrapped your arms around her.

"do you have to go?" you whined, kissing against her neck. "i've got a bubble bath drawn up. you could join me, spend the night in, split a nice bottle of wine..." you trailed off, sucking a hickey into her neck.

she didn't smack your hands away when they began unbuttoning her top. and she wasn't surprised in the slightest to find herself texting the groupchat that she couldn't make it. after all, you're way more fun than her friends.

that wasn't the most embarrassing time you've seduced her into your plans, though. not even close.

just three days ago, she'd been heading out to go to the gym.

"bye babe!" she called over her shoulder.

you stuck your head out of the bathroom. "where're you goin'?" you asked, a little whine in your voice. she froze, her hand hovering above the handle.

"the gym, why?"

you pouted. "oh, damn."

"what?"

"no, don't worry, go have fun." you promied her, waving it off.

sevika wasn't satisfied, though. "what?" she asked again. you just shrugged.

"wanted to watch that movie with you." you pouted. "thought we could have a movie night tonight since it's raining."

sevika tried to stay strong, she really did, but then you walked out of the bathroom wearing the shortest pajama shorts you own.

they shouldn't even count as shorts-- they're more like panties.

her grip on the handle tightened so hard she was certain she crushed it-- and all the thoughts of her work-out flew out of her mind. she gulped.

"'s long as you let me fuck you when i get bored." she mumbled as she started walking toward the couch. you just giggled and sat down on her lap, kissing her cheek.

"'s long as you face me toward the tv." you shrugged.

and now, sevika's sure she's reached a new low.

you've got her in the crawlspace under your porch, a flashlight in one hand and a shoe box in the other. why? because you 'think you heard a crying animal.'

sevika wanted you to leave it and let it die. "i'll scoop it out if it starts stinking, but we should just let nature do it's thing, babe."

"sevika!" you gasped. "that's horrible!"

she wasn't going to budge. not a bit. not when you pouted, not when you started throwing crumbs through the slats of your porch to feed the pathetic little creature, not even when you tried crawling under yourself.

but then, you'd cornered her inside your house, your tits on full display in one of your lowest cut tops. sevika knew she'd be under the porch before you could even start talking.

"sevika?" you asked sweetly, blinking your eyelashes up at her. she gulped, tried to pry her eyes away from your cleavage. "baby, please can you go under and see what's going on? i promise, once we get it out, whatever it is, we'll give it some food and water and put it in a bush back where it belongs. i just think it's stuck on something, and it's crying so much i can't ignore the poor thi--"

"you're fucking evil, you know." she cut you off. you had to bite back a smirk.

"what do you mean?" you asked

"you think i don't know you're trying to trick me right now babe?" she asked, pointing at your tits. "you think i didn't notice your sudden wardrobe change?"

you pouted. "so is that a no?"

"fuck! i'll fuckin' save the fuckin' animal, for fuck's sake, are you happy?" she asked, stroming to the utility closet to get her supplies.

you just giggled and followed after her, kissing her cheek. "and once you're done, you're gonna ride my face as a reward." you whispered against her cheek.

and now she's covered in mud, rescuing a fucking mouse from where it's been trapped in a sewer pipe. you're watching from the opening, holding a flashlight over her shoulder to help her light the way.

"you did it!" you squeal, jumping up and down. sevika grunts, turning on her belly to start crawling out. she's not gentle with the shoebox as she shoves it out from under the porch, but the fucking rat will be fine. you help her stand when she reaches the opening, and then pull her down for a long, slobbery kiss. all of her complaints and anger melts the second you do. "thank you, baby. really." you whipser.

sevika huffs. "i'm gonna go shower. you're gonna give the fuckin' rat a grape and set it free. then, i'm gettin' my reward." she smacks your ass, then turns to run in the house.

you giggle and call after her. "sounds good babe, i'll meet you in the bedroom. you want me to keep the slutty shirt on or...?"

sevika freezes on the porch, considers her options, then turns around to look at your tits in the nearly-transparent white shirt, and all the mud on her body is worth it for that view. she grins. "keep it on."

you giggle, nod, and blow her a kiss.

yeah, she thinks as she stumbles inside, stripping her muddy clothes off. she doesn't mind being whipped for you.

taglist!

@fyeahnix @sapphicsgirl @half-of-a-gay @thesevi0lentdelights @sexysapphicshopowner @shimtarofstupidity @love-sugarr @chuucanchuucan @222danielaa @badbye666 @femme-historian @lia-winther @gr0ssz0mbi3 @ellsss @sevikaspillowprincess @leomatsuzaki @emiliabby @sevikasbeloved @hellorai @vikasub @glass-apothecary @m0numents

[purgemarchlockdown]

Liar Tax

(Also Known as: Nott had Visions due to Dehydration about the Shidou covers)

So the cover songs are some of my personal favorite things about Milgram. When I first got into Milgram I got brainblasted by the Animal cover and was never the same. Since then I've always wanted to write more about the covers but I never got around to writing anything about them at length.

And then I put on the Shidou Covers.

On the count of "I-love-you"

The most noticeable common denominator when it comes to these songs is the concept of lying which I will relegated to a secondary element because I think these two songs have something more interesting to give us when it comes to insight on Kirisaki Shidou.

Shidou is very much what I would dub an Eternity Seeker. He longs for the:

T1Q16: What is the definition of happiness? A: To be promised an unchanging tomorrow.

He has this distinct romanticized version of the past and wishes he had the stable family life that he lost. His songs and VDs are tinged with this very strong sense of grief and longing for the better past where nothing bad ever happened actually.

“Throw down” connecting you with me, To keep you alive, you are still living

His crime as well seems to be connected to him trying to save "someone" (presumably his wife but also possibly one of his children) and failing. He's not exactly someone who can cope with change Well. That's why he's here after all. He's forsaken a lot of "morality" to get what he wants here.

"Stolen? Just whatever do you mean?" Committing myself to this performance, set lines and all Those memories we've desperately created and clung to, they blend together and feelings between us intensify

That’s right, for all these dirty delusions, let’s settle the bill with this dirty money

And he's not exactly uh- great at coping with this entire.

For someone who has self admitted to have done a lot of bad things, is stubborn and unwilling to change, and still says that for love he would do:

T1Q6: What are you willing to sacrifice for love? A: Everything.

He's pretty unforgiving to himself about this. He asked a 15 year old to kill him and all. His morals and beliefs are strict and rigid and it hurts everyone around him, including him.

Liar Dance reflects this. The singer is unforgiving and hateful towards who their singing towards but the singer talks about how:

It's swallowed you up completely, hasn't it? Liar Turn me inside-out and I look just like you It's nice to meet you, "Crime" and Punishment" No matter what you say

It's too late to apologize We're already partners in this crime called "love"

Acknowledging that they are the same in the end. Akin to how even though Shidou makes a distinction between the part of him that committed horrible acts of presumed medical malpractice and the part that is a good respectable member of society in Throw Down. They are Both Him.

And the feelings of deceit and guilt that comes with tricking people into believing that you (Shidou) are better than you actually are. The feeling of having gone too far, That:

“Throw down” ethics is a delusion I’m still guilty even if the morning comes

Liar Dance thus functions as a bit of a self condemnation. But I don't think that's the only possible meaning that can be derived from it. As Liar Dance is also distinctly about weak and false love.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you Shidou didn't care about his family. What I will say is that You Should Read These Posts by @/archivalofsins that break down the distinct possibility that Shidou Kirisaki might just be kinda a bad dad. His romanticization obscuring the knowledge that, no family can be that perfect and that Shidou was most likely less good then he would like to admit.

Dance away, liar This love has swelled up like a balloon, let's turn it into a lie with the prick of a needle On the count of "I-love-you"

It's a lie because any sort of perfect cishet marriage is a lie. That's not a thing because there's no such thing as a perfect relationship. Shidou's standards are so high that they could be considered childish.

A family and love so perfect it can't be anything But a lie.

Turning wishes into reality

But that's not all.

While Delusion Tax is also a song that can pretty easily be mapped onto Shidou's feelings of selfishness about the morally questionable things he did for the sake of what he wants. There's also another aspect of it and Shidou's character I'd like to explore.

Kirisaki Shidou is a Boyprince.

Or uh- to read better in Milgram terms. A Savior.

Shidou Kirisaki has this thing about needing people to rely on him to feel...alive and needed.

That’s right, there’s justice that needs saving See, indispensable, I’m indispensable

Existing for your sake alone, mandatory affections and obligated kindness

He needs to be useful to others because to feel like he deserves a place in the world. To feel like he can live within it. He chose to be a doctor because:

T1Q1: Why did you choose your current workplace? A: Because I thought it'd let me contribute to society.

after all.

However, Shidou Kirisaki is self-admittedly selfish despite these seemingly altruistic intents.

Though you should be satisfied, a voice from within shouts “NO!” We have an idiot on our hands, it seems…

For many reasons, but one of them is because he doesn't really care too much about a person's autonomy if he thinks he needs to save or guide them in some way.

This is the most clear with Amane. Who hates him for this!

Shidou: I…… I just don’t understand. If everything about MILGRAM is true…… why did a child like you have to become a murderer? Just imagining what sort of circumstances must have led to that, it makes me so sad…… Amane: ……*sigh*. Is that right. I don’t think I’m going to get along with you, Shidou-san. I don’t agree with the fact you refuse to acknowledge that I have my own free will, and that I should be held accountable for my actions, just because I’m a child. I may have only been alive for 12 years, but all the choices I’ve made, even if they weren’t the best ones, were entirely my own. What point is there in you getting sad when I have no regrets myself?

Because he longs for someone to save to have purpose in this world, he implicitly imposes himself as a "larger authority" on them. Believing his actions and feelings to have a greater importance then what they say.

Let’s pay that Delusion Tax For the sake of making everyone’s life oh so wonderful…

While the Delusion Tax can also read as the "price" he paid in the attempt to what he wanted when it came to his crime.

That which you wish for, the person you think of, The past which you hate as well, they’ll all be as you like. The kind of face and chest you desire, they’ll be granted if you pay.

it can also be read as what Shidou "sacrifices" for the sake of:

making everyone’s life oh so wonderful…

Since, Shidou also has a thing about choosing what he believes to be more valuable and important to a community and this extends to how he treats the people around him.

“Throw down”, someone’s value Cannot be the same as another “Throw down” should choose between superiority or inferiority

He creates these defined lines of who is better and worse, who would be more helpful and who he can...ignore for the sake of others.

Not because he's an evil person who wants to sacrifice people. Again, he has world's worst guilt complex. Just because...from a pragmatic standpoint...some people just contribute less than others and Oh No Don't Look at this Wikipedia Page for Eugenics I have Accidentally Linked!

"Hey, that girl is pretty great… Her too!" Looks like you’re thinking some pretty nice thoughts over there… Are you really satisfied with just that? Don’t you think it’d be nice for it all to come true? “That girl is alright… That one works too, I guess” Pretending you love compromise, what a liar!

Delusion Tax's perspective Singer is talking about granting people's Wishes. For a price. But that price is good for something better right?

Turning wishes into reality Right now, buy back your future! Afflicted by so badly wanting to do “that”, consumed by desire Come now, let’s go beyond all this pain

Everything must have an equivalent exchange right?

Well, now we can circle back to his murder because, well, that's not really how life works either. Life isn't really fair in the sense of you pay something and you get what you want back. Sometimes you pay everything and still lose.

You can't save everyone, not necessarily because you were naive or because you didn't try hard enough or didn't do the dirty work you should of or whatever. But because, you just can't. It's impossible.

A Lie, a Farce, a Delusion, if you will.

But those wishes won't really come true, even if you pay For it’s all a lie, a great big farce

The Correct Answer, I Don’t Yet Know

Kirisaki Shidou I think, really does want the world to be fair. He wants to contribute, be useful, be important. Have the world stay in balance. He submits himself to be guilty verdict-ed because he Deserves To Die, but changes his mind and tries to convince Es to let him live because people now Need him and the "balance" of the "world" has now shifted into needing him.

It's his own perspective on the world applied onto himself. In Trial 1 he's sorted himself into an undesirable who should not be let into society anymore. In Trial 2 he's pinged himself as someone so important and priceless that they Must Not let him go.

Is this a necessarily healthy view? No! Not at all! This harms much more people than him really!

But Shidou's worldview is one that is rigid and working on thoughts on what is "good" or "bad" for the world. It's childish in that sense, causing him to harm others and be stubborn and unwilling to reflect and making him someone who Really Should Not be a doctor, and I think the cover songs explore what he does and the worldview around it really well.

[voidbeau]

Revisiting My Disgaea Twomp Crossover idea i did art for some time ago cause i dared to listen to the Disgaea 3 OST again.

These motherfuckers!!! I want to go back and re-design them. Mostly Argos. My attempt with a Disagaea-esque Argos was more of a, "can I replicate the game's art style and still make it look like The Character ™️?" Whereas with Mr. Plant, I just went full ham and I think he'd fit into the universe well enough, but I have more interesting ideas for a more in universe Demon Argos. 😤 And I of course also want to make designs for Thorn and Mr. Flower. <:3c I already know exactly what I want to do for them and while I was out on my evening walk in the stabbiest part of the city, I was re-visting these tiny half baked ideas for these AU demon boiz.

So so much of my usual yapping + plus some sketches at the end:

I love the idea of Mr. Flower being the only not-demon in the group. I've also stuck him in the Flonne scenerio where he's come down to the Netherworld for a single job and he's got a protective ward keeping him from being corrupted while he's down there.

I imagined he was sent on something of a recon mission to check out some crazy activity and energy fluctuations that were being picked up from all the way up in Celestia.

"What in the world are those silly demons up to down there???"

Mission: Go poke around and find out and report back any suspicious activity you find. Make sure they're not causing anymore trouble than usual.

But as Mr. Flower closes in on the site of the occurrence, Something happens so that Mr. Flower either loses his protective charm or it gets destroyed and now he has to quickly find his way back to Celestia before he becomes a demon and is stuck in the Netherworld forever.

So Mr. Flower is forced to abort his mission, and obviously it isn't easy.

Between wretched demons with their own agendas and powerful barriers keeping worlds separated, poor Mr. Flower has his work cut out for him. His charm was also his key to get back home, so without it, he's locked out, vulnerable and can't seem to get into contact with anyone from Celestia.

Thankfully, Mr. Flower runs into Argos, a curious demon who seems keen on helping others! Not to mention, he is absolutely ecstatic at the prospect of getting to learn about Angels first hand.

Many say they're supposed to be sources of good fortune after all. And since it's a shame that misfortune seems to follow Argos wherever he goes, he's going to try his best to befriend this divine good-luck charm! And although Mr. Flower doesn't trust Argos as far as he can throw him, Argos is all he's got.

Besides, Argos has proven himself very capable in battle, and a capable battle buddy is definitely something Mr. Flower needs in his situation.

He's not sure what to make of Argos' large and quiet companion though. While also (terrifyingly) strong and reliable, Mr. Flower can't make heads or tails of Mr. Plant, what his intentions are, what he's thinking... He sort of just hovers around him and Argos when he isn't off doing his own thing.

Whatever that is.

Besides standing around eerily, crushing enemies horrifyingly quick and disappearing randomly, Mr. Plant mostly spends his time sleeping and eating. And although he's a powerhouse in battle, he gets tired out very quickly.

The two don't say much at all about what they were doing before they ran into Mr. Flower, but they do mention that they're headed to meet up with the Netherworld's current Overlord.

At least, Argos does.

Argos wants to use her library for something, and he promises Mr. Flower that the library trip is to his benefit as well.

"...It has everything after all, from cookbooks by the Netherworld's finest chefs to forbidden Arcane arts! There's bound to be something there to help get you back home. :)"

And really at this point, what does Mr. Flower have to lose?

Still, as Mr. Flower spends more time with his new travel companions, he finds there is definitely something horribly off about both Mr. Plant and Argos, but without Mr. Flower's pendant he can't get a proper reading on anyone. And they're definitely not interested in divulging too much about themselves.

Like, what's Argos' connection with the Overlord? Or can anyone just waltz into the Overlord's castle and ask to use her stuff so casually? Why does Argos need access to her library specifically anyway? What was he doing so close to the site Mr. Flower needed to investigate, especially since it was a barren wasteland when he got there?

And what's the deal with Mr. Plant..?

But that's the least of Mr. Flower's worries then they come across a bridge guarded by a magical barrier spanning miles with a toll fee of 3000 hl (we'll assume the exchange rate from hl to usd is dollar to dollar here 👍) and no way for the group to force themselves through.

The three probably have about 50 hl on them altogether unfortunately.

And to make matters worse, the three encounter Thorn who has his heart set on becoming the next Overlord- a common enough goal of many a demon in the Netherworld but not one many are able to achieve.

Thorn seems convinced he's different though.

Also a common sentiment among demons whose hearts are set on ruling.

But aside from attempting to become the next overlord, he also reveals he's been after Argos for some time now, as he's taken interest in Argos' apparent ability to find rare gemstones that are often imbued with unique powers.

Something Argos neglected to mention and who seems rather flustered at having that made known about him. And something of great interest to a demon looking to overthrow the current Overlord.

Thorn comes off as not much more than a loud nuisance at first, and a real troublesome obstruction as he also takes an interest at the prospect of having an Angel companion to boost his odds at becoming Overlord.

Thankfully, Mr. Plant and Argos are able to keep him at bay until the four of them seem to come to an understanding and ultimately strike some kind of deal.

Aside from being a delusional, unrelenting (annoying) powerhouse, Thorn is also loaded. So, in exchange for Argos and his party joining Thorn on his way to the Overlord's castle, Thorn pays their way across the bridge.

Mr. Flower: "3000 hl for a half mile trip across a rickety bridge is diabolical!"

Thorn: "Yeah it's kinda funny. Shame I never thought of it first."

Mr. Flower: "It's a HUGE inconvenience! And what about people who need to get across in an emergency!?" Argos: "Oh, they have protocol for that. If it's life threatening they let you across for free! ^^ Only once though..."

Mr. Flower: "Is my situation not life threatening enough?"

Argos: "...You know... I didn't even think to bring it up."

And their adventures continue from there but this post is already dragging on way too long so I'm just gonna leave it here for now and also these sketches I did.

Enjoy.

[uselesslexbian]

the titan's curse by rick riordan sentence starters.

are you sure you don't want me to wait?

you look stupid just standing there.

i'm not going to bite.

i'm going to take you out of here, get you somewhere safe.

it's my shoulder. it burns.

my poison causes pain. it will not kill you.

unfortunately, you are wanted alive, if possible. otherwise you would already be dead.

we don't have any family.

we've got no one but each other.

oh, super idea. you're completely nuts, too.

i'm sorry, but your friend is beyond help.

you are in no condition to be hurling yourself off cliffs.

you know what that monster us?

let us pray i am wrong.

you never call. you never write. i was getting worried.

he's a traitor. don't trust him.

why should i trust you?

i've been terrible to you.

in the meantime, try not to die.

i'll pulverize them.

if you hadn't butted in, we would've won.

a daughter of aphrodite does not wish to be looked at. what would your mother say?

i don't pretend to understand prophecies.

both of you together would be a dangerous thing.

you need to do whatever you think you have to.

your heart is always in the right place. listen to it.

i'm telling you that i'll support you, even if what you decide to do is dangerous.

you surprised me. it will not happen again.

i'm not going to hurt you. just let me cut the net.

you're planning to go anyway, aren't you?

so you'll excuse me if i have no love for heroes. they are a selfish, ungrateful lot.

i should throw you into the pits of tartarus for your incompetence.

but you promised me revenge.

this is why i don't use mortals. they are unreliable.

try to keep it distracted until i think of a way to kill it.

you are part of this quest now. i do not like it, but there is no changing fate.

sometimes mortals can be more horrible than monsters.

do me a favor. get out of my car.

i don't trust your father.

i never behead my enemies in front of a lady.

you even dream about her. that's so cute.

so why haven't you killed me?

be careful. aphrodite has led many heroes astray.

it happened just as it was supposed to.

i'm kind of in a hurry. i'm in trouble.

do yourself a favor. forget it. forget you ever saw me.

i won't leave you. we fight together.

you're hurt. let me see.

life is a fragile thing.

please remember, you always have a home with us. we will keep you safe.

you didn't believe i was dead?

you won't let me down, i hope.

i won't let you down.

the gods use heroes as their tools. destroy the tools, and the gods will be crippled.

you promised you would protect her.

i shouldn't have trusted you. you lied to me.

i wish you were dead.

why are you saying that? you want to be responsible for the whole world?

[set-phasers-to-whump]

i've been trying very hard to be brave

prompt: tortured for information, "hit them harder"

whumpee: peter sutherland

fandom: the night agent

here's something different for a change :) it's tentatively part 1 with a second bit later this month but i cannot make any promises lol. title from st. cecilia's by animal flag

Peter Sutherland is utterly alone. He is in the middle of the desert, in the middle of the night, and there is absolutely nothing around him. No movement, no light. Just him and the stars. 

He wishes he knew what he was doing here. He’d been told to come here, and that is all that he knows. 

He’s beginning to wonder why he’d listened. Why he’s here, in a more general sense. 

He isn’t sure that he wants this. 

He doesn’t want to be alone. 

A sound - far off, but like a gunshot in the silence. An engine. 

At least something’s going to happen, now. 

Headlights appear on the horizon, blinding and high up. A military vehicle, maybe. 

They hadn’t said anything about the military, but he figures he should’ve guessed. 

He approaches the vehicle, waves, then wonders whether it’s stupid to wave in a situation like this. 

The vehicle stops. Peter goes to open the door, but it swings open from the inside before he grabs the handle. A few men get out, and he tries to greet them, but they don’t say anything. 

His skin starts to crawl. Something is wrong. 

But it’s too late, and there’s nowhere to run. 

Someone throws a cloth bag over his head and ties a thick rope around his wrists, and then he’s being manhandled into the vehicle and can do little more than wriggle around in the grips of his captors. 

He tries to talk to them, at first. But no one says a word. He falls silent and tries to keep track of where they’re going, counting left and right turns, but the journey drags on forever and in total silence and he’s fucking afraid, and at some point he just stops paying attention. 

After an eternity, the vehicle stops. Dead silence. Hands pull him out of his seat and shove him down. He hits the ground hard, unable to break his fall. His body sinks slightly into soft sand that does very little to lessen the impact. 

He’s hauled to his feet and dragged along, stumbling and desperately trying to keep to his feet. They walk for a long time. It’s cold, and Peter feels numb. 

The squeak of a metal door opening. Clattering. Footsteps echoing in a hallway. There are a lot of them, Peter realizes. He’s horribly outnumbered. 

He’s forced to sit on what can only be a metal chair. He immediately tries to move it, but nothing happens. It must be bolted to the ground. 

A rope around his chest, securing him to the chair. More rope around his ankles. He is clearly not going anywhere anytime soon. 

“Who are you,” says a voice, somewhere to his right. There’s a slight accent to the words, but he can’t put his finger on it. 

He says nothing. Let me see how much they already know, he thinks. 

“I said, who are you.”

“I could ask you the same thing.”

A cold laugh. “You’re not in any position to be asking questions.”

Peter remains silent. 

A fist connects with the side of his head. It takes him by surprise, and his neck jerks so violently he swears something cracks. 

“My name is Chris.”

Another hit to the other side of his head. “No, it’s not.”

“Why are you asking my name if you already know it?”

He pictures a shrug to fill the silence. Receives a kick to the shin that really fucking hurts. 

“Fine. My name is Peter.”

“That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“What do you want?”

“Whatever you’re willing to give us.”

He really doesn’t like the sound of that. 

“Last name?”

“Seems like you already know who I am.”

Another kick, this time to the other shin. 

“Answer my questions. Don’t bother saying anything else.”

“Jenkins,” Peter says, like a challenge. He’ll make them fight for every word, if that’s how they want to play. 

A punch to the shoulder that feels almost gentle, compared to the other hits he’s received. 

“Hit him harder,” he hears a different voice say quietly. It sounds…almost familiar, in a strange way. Peter strains to hear whether it’ll say anything else, but the only thing that happens is that a fist drives into his stomach with such force that he cannot breathe for several seconds. 

By the time he can breathe again, his interrogator has already moved on. 

“Who do you work for?”

He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t really want to waste his newly-regained ability to breathe properly on responding to a question that the asker surely already knows the answer to. 

A punch to the chest, painful and solid but not horrible. 

“Who do you work for?”

The question is repeated by several other voices, echoing around him. 

“Who do you work for?”

“Who do you work for?”

“Who do you work for?”

“Who do you work for?”

The noise is nearly overwhelming. He doubts that they’d even be able to hear his answer over all of it. 

Eventually the echoes die away. His feet are starting to go numb from the rope binding his ankles. He’s long since stopped feeling his hands. 

“Once more. Who do you work for?” The singular voice is quiet, now. And very serious. 

Footsteps behind him, and then an arm wraps around his neck, not squeezing, not yet, but there. It’s a clear warning. 

Peter barely breathes as he forces the words from his mouth. “The United States government.”

The arm disappears. Peter takes a deep breath, the cloth bag sticking to his face so that the breath is not as deep as it otherwise might be. 

And then the arm is back, and it is squeezing this time. He chokes and tries in vain to get away, to gain any room at all to breathe. 

He’s on the verge of passing out when the pressure stops. He gasps and coughs in the confines of his cloth prison. 

There is not enough air. He keeps trying to breathe and it isn’t working properly. He’s on the verge of hyperventilation, panicking and thrashing uselessly against the ropes binding him. 

The bag is removed from his head almost gently. He catches a flash of light, mottled colors and shapes that are too bright and too much, and then a blindfold is tied around his head, plunging him into darkness again, but at least he can breathe. 

He gulps in air like he is never going to get the chance to breathe again, and eventually, his lungs stop burning and his head stops spinning. 

“You will tell us what we want to know now, I think.”

Peter barely even parses the statement, too caught up in the relief of breathing fresh, unobstructed air. 

The relief does not last long. They ask another question, and he doesn’t quite hear it, and then a fist drives into his stomach, even harder than before, nearly making him vomit. 

The question is repeated - “what part of the government do you work for?” - and Peter answers truthfully. The words taste like bile, like betrayal. 

This process continues for an eternity. A question. A brief period of time in which to answer. If he answers, usually nothing happens. Sometimes they smack him, but nothing more. If he doesn’t answer, if they think he’s lying, they hit him. The locations vary. The intensity does not. 

He lies, sometimes. When they ask for specifics, when he’s pretty sure they don’t know the answer already. Bases his answers in truth, but dresses them up or down. 

They swallow every lie he feeds them, not to mention the few truths they don’t believe. He’s not giving up too much. Nothing overly damaging. 

And then, the questions and the attack stop. Just like that. He’s untied from the chair, far too exhausted to even think about kicking out at his captors, and then he’s bundled back into (presumably) the same vehicle. 

He hadn’t really cared about how bumpy the ride had been before. But now, his entire body aches and every jolt of the vehicle sends a wave of pain from his head through his feet. He feels a million different things at once. Exhausted and nauseous and numb and resigned and afraid and angry and helpless. 

He wants to go home. Wants his mom, his dad. Wants Rose. 

They dump him in the sand again. He lies with his face pressed to it, slightly warm and unpleasantly itchy, and listens as the sound of an engine grows further and further away. 

He can feel the sun beating down on him, growing steadily more intense. He needs to move. He can barely feel his legs. 

After a long struggle, he makes it to his knees. He spends some time trying to untie his wrists, not stopping until he feels them start to bleed. 

Resigned to that particular fate, he very slowly gets to his feet. His head spins, and he nearly falls right back down to his knees. 

Instead, he makes it all of ten steps before he trips over something and falls, his knees and chin connecting with something hard. 

For a few seconds, he doesn’t move, immobilized by the shock and the pain of the fall. But when he starts shifting, he discovers something wonderful - he’s hit a rock, and its shape is such that he can rub the ropes against a fairly sharp edge until they break at last. 

The second the rope falls away, he reaches up and pulls off the blindfold. 

The sunlight is blinding and dizzying. He sinks down to sit on the rock that has freed him and looks down at his hands. His palms are streaked with blood and both wrists are encircled with red loops, deep indents in the skin showing how tightly he’d been bound. 

He looks down until his eyes adjust to the light. Then he takes a glance at his surroundings. 

He’s not sure what he’d expected. The middle of nowhere, probably. Nothing around him for miles, just sand and sun and the endless sky. 

He is not more than a quarter mile from an airport. He can see its buildings, watches a plane land, watches another one take off. 

He walks towards it, noticing all the time how much everything hurts. He cannot breathe without pain. Every step is a fresh agony, but at least he’s moving. 

He doesn’t stop moving until he’s through the doors. The air conditioning hits him like a blast, and he nearly sinks to the ground right then and there. 

As it is, he manages to stagger to a single-user bathroom and bolt the door behind him before his legs give out. 

He sits propped up against the door, breathing in the cool air, for several minutes. Eventually, he gets back to his feet and leans against the sink, examining his face in the mirror. 

They’d been relatively kind to him there, actually. There’s a scrape below his left eye and a bruise on his right cheek, but he’s looked worse. 

Less good is the blood on his chin - his own doing, from the rock that had turned out to be his salvation - and the bruise already forming across his neck. 

He does what he can. Washes away the blood and blots it out of his clothing as much as he can. Messes with his collar so the bruising on his neck is as obscured as it can be. 

His clothes are sandy and sweaty, but he leaves them as-is. He doesn’t want to look at the patchwork of bruises waiting for him underneath. 

He allows himself one final moment in the bathroom, sticking his mouth beneath the tap and drinking as much water as he feels able to. He’d scarcely noticed the thirst until now. The water tastes like blood and sand and it hurts to swallow. 

The airport is hectic, and hardly anyone even looks at him twice. By some miracle, his passport is still in his pocket, and so is a small amount of cash and his credit cards. His phone is gone, and so is his bag, but at least they’d left him with something. 

It’s a clear signal, to him. Get the hell out and do not come back. 

He doesn’t even think of trying to find the US embassy, of staying here any longer. He can’t. He’s exhausted and hurting and afraid and there is a flight to JFK in half an hour. 

He gets the last available seat, smashed in between a guy the size of a pro football player and a young child belonging to the family across the aisle who won’t stop talking. 

Despite this, he’s asleep before the plane even leaves the ground. 

thanks for reading!!! i had a really great time writing this and i really wanna do a follow-up...i have an Idea but we'll have to wait and see lmao

[winterspiderpurrs]

"Sir, as per your protocol, I am to inform you that Peter is in great emotional distress. He is not in physical distress, I will keep a watch on his vitals"

Tony set his coffee cup down from where he stood in the kitchen with Steve, Bucky and Rhodey. He clears his throat " Thanks Friday, do you know what cause it with out invading his privacy"

" He recieved a phone call and an email from Mr. Osborn's solicitor and lawyers."

He made a face, raising his hand up wipe down his face. Its been a few months since the late Harry Osborn had passed away. He had finally succumb to his mysterious genetic illness. Tony didn't know all of the details but he knows that Harry and Peter were close. The final weeks before Harry passed Peter was at his bedside. The death of his friend devastated the young man. He looked over at Rhodey and then back at Steve and Bucky who both had a solemn look on their faces.

" Let the kid know if he needs anything to let me know. "

" Of course. Peter has informed me he will be in need of Ms. Potts and her publicity skills and possibly the team of lawyers you have on hand. "

" What.... Friday. Once Peter is well enough tell him to come talk. Whatever he needs he can have. But i will need to know whats going on"

" Peter has permissioned the access to his email for your review. A copy has already been sent to Ms. Potts"

Tony turns around and projected the email up in the air in a hologram. Everyone gathered close as they read the email. The shocked look on all there faces, Steve reaching out to hold Bucky's hand as his eyes filled with tears.

" Hey Pete,

If your reading this it means I finally kicked the bucket and the vultures at the company can't legally get away with what they want. And I'm sorry Peter. I wish we had more time and I could prepare you for this, it feels like only a few weeks ago instead of the last couple of years to when we reconnect. I was an ass. And your a mess Peter Parker, but you are my best friend. We have known each other for so long and no matter what we have gone through you stayed my friend even when I didn't deserve it. Your a good person, no fashion sense and those jokes? Horrible. But that makes you, you.

And before you say you dont deserve anything and this was never what you had in mind. Just listen to me for once. You deserve to live the life you deserve. I know I pissed off a lot of people with my will. But Peter if anyone deserves to run Oscorp, its you. Father always liked you, even after everything, he always wanted you helping the company. Even if you decide to sale it, I trust you will do good things, life changing things. I know money doesn't mean anything to you but you will finally be able to get new clothes that are NOT from a thrift shop cause thats just gross Pete.

And yes, you are entitled to this. When the accords happened, I told you I didn't trust Stark as far as I could throw him. He has done good by you now but in the beginning I was the one making sure you were safe. I promised you on your 18th birthday that I would always take care of you. And even though I'm not there. This is me fulfilling that promise.

And I'm sorry you are finding out this way. And I promise I would have fixed it if the time came but until then. Maybe it was me being selfish.

I never signed the papers of the annulment. I paid the judge off. We are still legally married.

Peter Benjamin Parker. I've been in love with you since we were 11. Took me a while to realize that I was jealous of your loving family, your smarts, how you didn't care about my money. I know I was being selfish when you turned 18 and would of needed to sign the accords. Nothing Stark could of done could of protected you. And when I realized this is when I could marry you? I jumped at the chance. My family had the money to protect you in a way Stark couldn't since he had no claims on you legally.

You made me the happiest I have every been when you agreed. We had a great few months together before Father found out and I pulled off the greatest fuck you ever to the family legacy. I know I had to tell you we had to separate. And I knew that it broke your heart but you were so worried about how the public would view me, the company that you signed and told me we could go back to being friends.

I'm glad for the time we had together. Even after we reconnect later, I had no hope of rekindling what we had before. My clock was ticking and I didn't want to hurt you even further. But I guess you were going to be hurt no matter what.

Peter Benjamin Parker you deserve all the love and happiness in the world. I'm glad I got to experience what it means to be loved by you "

[sequesteredschizo]

cw // suicidal ideation & self harm 

thought too much about where I should post these words @ and where to do it if I did

Decided on here, both to challenge myself to be honest about how I'm doing and as a small private testament to myself, esp considering I can't guarantee I'll remember any of this later if I don't 

A few months ago I decided I was supposed to kill myself on April 26th 2024. I think something about doing that nullified certain anxieties of mine at times, for better and for worse. I thought the worst thing I could do that would ruin everyone I cared about was already going to happen, so I was able to loosen my grip somewhat on the people-pleasing and the social anxiety and the agoraphobia- maybe a sort of subconscious 'if something doesn't change, i will be dying. So I might as well try while I'm still around.' I've been callous and I've been unstable, but I also took risks (or, actions I that felt like risks to me) that landed me with more life-affirming results than I could have ever anticipated.

I sent texts I thought were annoying and stupid to people I wished I talked to more, I tried to eat like a well-adjusted adult person, I was honest with my dad about how hellish my disability was making my life for the first time. Etc etc. Anything to connect, anything to survive. I didn't care anymore. it felt like the end of the world. To everyone else it probably seemed like I was finally re-entering society, if anyone thought much of it at all (unlikely, imo.) At one point, I hurt myself worse than I ever had before, and without really meaning to, haven't done it since. It feels now like a microcosm of the bigger picture, just by coincidence. Doing better wasn't necessarily my intention, but it was a consequence of thinking I was fucking it all up one last time. Might as well throw all the chips in.

Last weekend I attended a wedding out-of-state for a relative I hadn't seen in years knowing id meet countless new faces and I didn't even freak out. And I was terrified, and I didn't want to go there and I didn't want to stay here but I did it anyways. Turns out I don't think I've ever felt so loved and welcomed and appreciated in my life. The people I reached out to on a whim, because what was the worst that could happen? Some of them actually respond back, fucking shocker. My dad is trying to stop pretending I don't exist. I'm a little less malnourished. So those are all good developments.

I feel like I reached up into an empty sky with the very last dregs of energy I had and by some miracle, just enough of the universe reached back. I don't and didnt want to scar and endanger my struggling loved ones because I couldn't be strong enough to deal with myself. It had to be my last option, after truly trying everything I could. I didn't even do much, and I didn't expect it to work. I didn't expect my favorite band to be dropping new shit on my due date. I didn't know that I would really honestly from the bottom of my heart not want to leave this fucked up horrible beautiful tragic world behind. 

I know there's always going to be a part of me that expects me to commit. it's always been easier for me to hurt myself than help myself. I've written a lot of suicide notes throughout my life. This is the first time I've ever done the opposite, I guess? This is supposed to be my promise to me that I want to live. I need to. Its really hard to admit that to myself. I'm pretty sure I can do it tho.

I think (and almost hope) that the handful of you who follow this stupid little blog wont read this, but I posted it here because theres too many people everywhere else. It's directed at myself anyway.

a distant yell into a cacophonous void, in hopes that typing it will act as a metaphysical vehicle for manifesting it in the collective subconscious:

TRANS PEOPLE DONT KILL YOURSELF!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[emo-emu64]

Where the Angels Fall

Isaac "Zack" Foster x Reader

Demon AU

"As I walked into my run-down apartment I expected to be greeted by my loving house cat and the hole in the wall left by the previous residents. Instead I found a lost-looking, extraordinarily tall, inhuman, beast of a "man" wandering around, and mumbling something about "fucking humans"."

CW: Blood, gore, murder, severe injury, canon typical violence, language

The Devil is Real and he's in my Apartment

The keys jingled in the door as I stepped through the threshold of my apartment, soaked head to toe from the heavy sleet. There was a noticeable drop in temperature. Which was impressive considering how cold it already was.

'Guess I'll have to call the landlord. Again.'

The maintenance team had already been here three times that month, but they couldn't seem to figure out why the heat kept kicking off. It had been annoying as all hell with how cold it already was.

"Fucking humans, never home anymore. Who the hell do they think they are?"

My muscles instantly seized and my bag, also drenched from the elements, dropped to the floor with a heavy thud. 

The man in the kitchen abruptly stopped talking, and panic flooded through my body. My feet stuck to the floor, and my breathing became shallow and fast. I'd always heard about scary men breaking into young girls' apartments and doing horrible things. But I had taken every precaution to avoid it, the proper locks on my windows and door, I'd made sure the apartment was in a decent neighborhood with decent people. So how, pray tell, did this happen to me?

"There ya are." 

A large man stepped into my line of vision. He had to be well over 6 feet, he was covered in what appeared to be dried blood, and a large, also bloodied, scythe rested over his shoulder.  The hood of his sweatshirt was pulled up, ominously shadowing his face. 

I wanted to move, throw the door open, start running, and never look back. But my body refused to. My muscles felt tense, like they were made of stone. He was medusa and I had made the awful mistake of looking him in the face. I swallowed thickly as we continued to stare at each other. 

I noticed how bruised and cut-up what little I could see of his face was, my eyes wandered to his abdomen where he held a hand loosely over a bleeding wound.

I swallowed once again, opening my mouth to speak. Surprisingly, I was able to form actual sentences.

"Do you need help?" I paused, pursing my lips, "You look hurt. Do you need me to call someone?" it came out quieter than I would have liked, but I needed to seem unsuspecting. For all knew he was an innocent and injured man who had wandered into my apartment looking for help. The longer I stalled, the better.

He chuckled. Low and dark. Coughs scattered in between quiet laughter.

"Playin' nice won't get ya much of anywhere right now, sweetheart," his voice was even darker than his laughter. 

"But...If you help me out here, I might consider letting you live."

"Might consider isn't really good enough for me right now, buddy. I've got exams to study for, and I'm not wasting time helping you out if I'm going to die anyways." 

His eyes widened before he descended into laughter. It wasn't intimidating or menacing like before. It was a genuine laugh, like I had cracked a joke.

"Ballsy, aren't we?" He mocked.

Honestly, I was just as surprised as he was, but shock is known to do strange things to the brain.

He stared at me for awhile before speaking again, "Alright, alright. You've got a deal, you patch me up and I won't kill ya. Promise."

I didn't quite know why, but his promise seemed just as sincere as his laughter. Maybe it was just that I was desperate, grasping on to any sense of hope that maybe I would escape this with my life, but I couldn't sense a hint of deceit. 

I nodded slowly, " You can sit at the table, I'll go see if the first aid kit has anything useful."

He eyed me suspiciously. Understandably, I guess.

"I can leave my phone at the table with you or something, if that makes you feel better?" I proposed. 

I was still baffled at how calm I had remained, maybe studying to be an ER doctor as a college student without a penny to your name does that to a person. Or maybe it was just the adrenaline, and as soon as it wore off I would break down into the heaving sobs and hyper-ventilation of a panic attack. Who could tell?

He shook his head, "Nah, you seem smart enough. Just don't try anything funny or I'll have to gut ya, and we'll both be fucked," the corner of his mouth turned upwards into a teasing smirk.

I nodded once again before turning on my heels and swiftly making my way to the bedroom where the 'Be Ready Bag' was stored. I don't think this is what the firefighters in my elementary classes meant when they said 'in case of emergency', but it is what it is.

I rooted through the bag and pulled out the first aid kit. I checked over the contents and decided that they would do.

When I entered the kitchen I avoided all eye contact. I made my way to the sink and scrubbed my hands under the warm water. I could feel his gaze at my back, like there was something that made me interesting. I've never really liked it when people looked at me, but considering he's also a strange and threatening man, who had to be over twice the size of me, I'd say caution was entirely expected. Encouraged, even.  

When I was done I carefully grabbed the kit, and made my way over to the man who sat at my kitchen table. His legs were extended and sprawled out across the floor as if it were his own home. I wasn't about to say anything, though. After all his weapon sat just behind him, and I'm sure whoever's remains he left on the blade would tell me he was not at all afraid to use it.

We sat in silence as I fixed him up to the best of my abilities. Strangely, it wasn't awkward or tense. Just silent.

"This might hurt a bit," 

I poured the disinfectant onto some gauze and pressed it to the wound. He hissed and made a bit of a face, but otherwise, no reaction.

Shortly after, there was a soft padding of feet and a faint meow from behind me.

"That your cat?" He questioned from above me.

"Yeah, his name is Zero."

The man then lowered his hand and outstretched his fingers. To which the black feline, surprisingly, met and began to purr.

He wasn't an aggressive or shy cat, but he was never one to interact with new people. He'd only ever really been friendly with me.

I also really hadn't expected the dangerous and wounded man who had seemingly broken into my apartment to be a cat person. Speaking of which-

"If you don't mind me asking, how exactly did you get in here?" I finished the bandages and began to pack away what was left of the first aid kit 

"Why the hell do you wanna know?"

"Because I'd like to know if I need to get better locks on my doors and windows."

He chuckled again, "I'm a demon, sweetheart, pretty sure your locks've got nothing to do with it."

Dangerous, wounded, and delusional. Wonderful.

However, I figured playing along was my safest bet for now, so I nodded giving nothing but a simple "Oh."

He inspected my face closely as he stood, "Don't believe me, do ya?"

"I never said that."

"Good thing you didn't have to then, huh?"

He made his way towards me and bent his head low enough to be eye to eye with me.

Holy shit, was he tall.

"Need me to prove it to ya?"

His eyes, I was now realizing, were two very different, yet equally mesmerizing, shades. The right was a deep black lacking any color or depth. The left was the complete opposite, a vibrant gold with flecks of deep browns. Maybe even a few greens

He also had what appeared to be old burn scars trailing up his neck and jaw, there was a single stretch of one in particular that reached just above his mouth, but that was all the farther they went. They were a pale reddish pink, and their texture rose just above the rest of his face.

Before I could answer I saw his golden and black eyes morph into a glowing and deep crimson shade. His sharp k-9s bared with a sickening grin.

My first thought was that I was dreaming. That I really had spiraled into a gut-wrenching panic attack while trying to acquire the supplies and simply blacked out. 

It soon became very clear to me that, unfortunately, that was not the case. 

That it simply couldn't have been because I could feel  my nails digging into the heels of my hands. Nearly drawing blood while I desperately tried to ground myself.

He then straightened his back and sighed, "Believe me now?"

I nodded once more.

"Good, now that that's out of the way. I need a place to crash tonight, but tomorrow I'll be out of here, and you can go back to your boring little human life, yeah?"

I had the feeling that although it was worded like a question, he was not really asking, "Yeah, you can sleep on the couch if you'd like." 

He nodded, "You got a name?"

"y/n."

"Zack."

'Zack...he looks like a Zack'

"Are you hungry? I was going to make dinner before I started homework."

"Depends, what do ya got?"

"I was just going to make a grilled cheese, or something?"

"That'll work."

It was late by now, I had already eaten and finished homework, and I handed Zack a blanket and pillow.

"If you need anything my room's down the hall to the left. I'd prefer if you knocked, though."

He nodded and tossed down the pillow, as I began to make my way towards my bedroom.

"Hey, y/n"

"Hm?"

"Thanks."

I nodded quietly, "It's no problem," and with that I trekked down the hallway.

This story is also on Wattpad under the same title. I plan to move it to AO3 at some point as well.

[esnyshire]

amateur pt. 5

summary: In part five of amateur, we continue on with the date between Harry and Love and see how the night leads. Finally some actual private time.

warning: some light spanking, nicknames, horrible dad (joke(s)) humor, finally some private, simple, laying down on the bed sex, needy sex, a battle between the dom, the music I picked for these chaps rockkkkk, some good ole smut

wc: 4.2k

♫ What You Want by Mase

The night sky is pitch black, the only light we have is the moon illuminating our surroundings. Harry wasted no time in leaving the club after I met who I needed to meet and brought me to a food truck. The entire ride consisted of nothing but full-on foodie commentary. I didn't interrupt him not once, taking in all his words. I'm not used to him talking so much, so I give him center stage and he takes it gladly.

He said they make the best rice and lamb he's ever tasted, but he reminded me that it's with little knowledge of food from around the world so his words hold little to no importance. I still listened to him ramble on about it though. I'm sitting on the top of his car, the heat emitting from the hood of the car warming my body on this particularly cold summer night. My tiny plastic bowl is filled to the brim with white rice and lamb chunks, so greasy and hot you can see the steam above it. Harry is shoving spoonfuls of food in his mouth, scarfing it down like he hasn't eaten all day. He loves this food truck food. A giggle leaves my lips as I look down at my food.

"I'm already full, and I've barely scratched the surface. Were they trying to feed a village with my order?" I laugh as I force the spoon into my mouth.

"That's the beauty of this truck! That's exactly why I love it. It's cheap and good quality for a lot of food. I almost always have leftovers." He smile is bright and his cheeks are full with food like a cute hungry hamster. "But you shouldn't force yourself to eat Love, you'll get sick." He puts his foot down and grabs mine out of my hands. He flips the top on and seals it closed.

"C'mon, let me take you home. It's getting late." He says putting all the food away in the bag. It was close to two o'clock, the date only just started and it's already ending. I don't want to leave him yet. It was like he could read my mind cause the next thing he said made me appreciate how attentive he really is. "Unless you'd like to come to my place. Spend the night with me?" He asks, smirking at me with his one dimple on display.

"I'd like that."

"Great." He nods, holding out his hand for me. He helps me off and in the car.

*

"I've always wanted to go camping,  to see the stars, and hear the animals at night." He watches the road, speaking out.

We've gone down every rabbit hole of conversation. Changing topics every couple of seconds, rambling on about whatever comes to mind. It's nice to know I can speak to someone like this, it's always so hard making friends. Nobody my age relates to me. It's a lot harder than it looks, being alone all the time. So, being with Harry tonight is something I'm not used to. I am enjoying myself though.

"Oh god, no I hate bugs. Imagine all the bugs." I cringe at the thought of having to go camping. "Don't make me do it." I plead.

"Oh, you're coming. I can't go by myself. What will happen when I don't have you to throw at the bears to save myself!" He emphasizes.

"Ouch! I thought what we had was special!" I gasp at his joke.

"I'll mourn you, don't stress. Everyone will know you for your bravery."

"But, I'm too pretty to die!" I yell in ear as he drives.

"Hm, it's a pity. Your beauty would go to waste." He peeks at me through his peripheral vision.

"A compliment and a promise to sacrifice me in one go! You sure know how to charm a lady." I quip.

"It's a gift."

The car goes silent, aside from the music playing.

♫ So Fresh, So Clean by Outkast.

He taps the steering wheel, in his world. He speaks into silence.

"I don't know much about you. Tell me a few things I'd never know unless you told me specifically."

"Uh, let me think." I actually have to think about this. I've never had a partner ask me questions about my life. It's usually just sex and then they're out the door.

"Nothing is off limits" he says quickly.

"Well, my name is Amor Morales. But I go by Love. But, you knew that already." I giggle a little at the obvious. "I live by myself. I've had Finnegan since I was thirteen." I continue with little facts about myself, filling him in on things from my life. He listens, nodding and humming in response.

"I've always been clumsy! It's not cute." I cover my face, red after explaining to him how I fell in front of a train station full of strangers.

"I've missed a lot." He lazily smiles, shaking his head.

"Oh, what part did you miss?"

The light turns red and the car slows down. He takes his hand off the wheel and lays it on his thighs, turning his torso to face me.

"Have you ever met someone, and realized you've gone through life completely wrong?" He asks, squinting his eyes. He sounds like he's asking himself the question as well. I don't hesitate with my answer, wanting nothing more than for him to know I feel the same way.

"Yeah, you."

"You're only twenty-three, Love." He deadpans.

"Exactly, yet I feel like it's been completely wrong up until two days ago."

The light turns green, but he doesn't drive. He just stares at me, like what is in front of him isn't real. I hope he knows I feel the same way. The rest of the drive is silent and to my surprise, Harry's house is only around the block from mine. I've passed his house more times than I can even count.

He parks in his driveway, collecting all the food and walking to his door. "There's a key under the doormat, can you open the door for me?" He asks politely, whispering slightly. It's pretty late and sound echoes off of the houses very easily in this neighborhood. Of course, he's polite in that way. The last thing I need is rumors of us stumbling home at three in the morning. I grab the key and open the door, letting myself in first to hold the door.

"Make yourself at home, I'll go put the food in the fridge."

"Okay, I'll be here." I take slow steps into the living room, looking at everything in view.

It's big. Bigger than my house that's for sure. His walls are the nicest cream color, with one brown accent wall. There are pictures framed everywhere, cute little kids running around on the grass. People laughing, drinking and eating together. The family in these photos looks so happy, I can't help but question why Harry isn't in any of them.

There's no sign of life in the living room. No flowers, no pets. Not even fruits are displayed on his dining room table.

His house is so clean and prim, I didn't expect anything different, honestly. He holds himself on such a high pedestal, between his neatly decorated nails every two weeks and his constantly trimmed hair i shouldn't have doubted it in the first place.

♫ Can We by SWV

I don't hear him come into the living, the only thing signaling he's near is his chest against my head. He hovers over me, reaching for my hair and pulling it to the side. My neck is empty aside from my chain, he guides his hand along my shoulder, leaving a hot trail of goosebumps up to my jaw.

I close my eyes in bliss, feeling like the room is closing in on me. Every time I've been with him it's been in public or the locker room. The risk of being caught was the whole reason it felt so good but being here in his house with only him, ignites a fire in my stomach. He's slow with his touches, his face is inches from my skin. His hot breath fans over my neck, causing me to take a sharp breath in.

My body has a mind of its own and goes limp. It's a different feeling than I'm used to, an indescribable head rush. I'm going to tip over any second. No one has ever gotten me to lose my train of thought this easily, I can barely think of what I want to do. I just want him to touch me more.

"Would you like a drink? I have wine." He says, removing his body from my vicinity.

"I'm good, can you touch me?" My words are rushed as I take his hands from behind me, placing them back around me. My fingers slip into his as I guide them up to my torso and my breasts. I grip around his hand, directing him to grope me as freely as he wants.

My head falls back on him, enjoying every feeling I'm getting from his hands. They're large and his cold rings brush against my warm stomach, a soft moan slips from my lips.

"Of course." He says in my ear, I hold in a scoff as I roll my eyes. He's loving this right now. How I'm acting is submissive. Normally I would be reluctant, but seeing him try to take over makes me enjoy it even more. I can hear the smile in his words.

"Oh god, thank you," I say, not intending to thank him, but I do.

"Can I kiss you," He asks. His voice so deep, my core involuntarily clenches from his salacious words. I already feel my composure start to dissolve. Quicker than I want it to.

I don't answer, I turn around in his arms and attach my lips to his. They are soft and the smell of him wafts through my nostrils causing me to sigh into the kiss. Just the simple request to touch me has me reeling, I've never been one to care too much about consent. Especially for something so innocent as a kiss. He begins to touch me, rubbing my arms gently as his lips move against mine. The kiss is so mind numbingly slow, I feel like the air is being sucked from my lungs. He slides his hands to my waist, pulling me closer into his body.

His hands travel up my back, rubbing and clawing against the thin fabric of my top. He plays with the hem of my crop top, silently requesting to take it off. I break the kiss, momentarily allowing him to lift my shirt over my head. He mindlessly throws it behind him, pushing his body into mine the second his hands become free. My now bare chest is firmly against his. His heart is beating so fast, I feel the thump of it. His heart matches the speed of my own.

"Don't be nervous, I'll take care of you," I say against his lips, playing with the hairs behind his ears.

He nods slowly, keeping his attention on my face. He kisses me again, my lips envelop him completely as he hoists me up by my thighs.

"My beautiful boy. Tell me what you want."

"Touch me."

I do as he asks, rubbing my fingers under the hem of his shirt, slowly walking my fingers up his torso. My hands feel over his moth tattoo, taking in every curve and line on his skin. My eyes are closed as I continue my journey around his body. I search for the buttons to his shirt, unbuttoning them as I make my way up. Sliding my hands towards his hips, an eruption of goosebumps perk up all over his skin. I make my way to his shoulders, sliding the fabric off. My lips land on his chest as I pepper small kisses all over, leaving small wet spots as I move to his nipple. I breathe softly against his skin, causing his nipple to harden. I slowly lick on his nipple, and a sneaky gasp falls from his lips. His entire demeanor changes when I start a wet trail with my tongue, going down his torso. I'm slow with my travel to the place I want him so badly, the eye contact between us only driving me to show him exactly how much I've needed this all day.

Right when I go to reach for the hem of his pants two large hands grab my own, he pulls me up to stand and then lifts me off the floor and into his arms. A squeal leaves my lips as I go flying up to his face. My legs go around his waist as I try to steady my breathing. The laugh that leaves Harry's lips echoing off the tall walls around us, it's rich and contagious. I slowly join in with laughter, eating up every ounce of his perfect smile. Our smiles slowly fade as I stare at him with his head back, still delirious from his laughing fit. He looks at me through hooded eyes, so drunk off the feelings coursing through us both.

"Can we go upstairs?" I take initiative, not wanting Harry's shy attitude to get the best of him.

He had his fun experimenting, but I know he wants me to take the lead tonight. Watching him let his guard down, It's one of my new favorite things to do.

"Yes."

"Yes, what?" I grab his throat, putting pressure in the right places.

He doesn't answer, letting out a big exhale of breath. His grip on my thighs loosens, causing me to tighten them around his waist to keep myself up.

His eyes begin to flutter, just as I yank his face closer to me.

I grit my teeth in annoyance, "I asked you a fucking question, Harry. Answer me."

"Love. Y-yes, Love." He stutters from the lack of oxygen going to his brain, "Please." He begs.

I grab his jaw and speak into his ear. "Get upstairs, now."

He holds me for dear life on his hip, speed walking to the steps, with every step he takes a huff of breath escapes his lips. He's impatient after the first half of steps and proceeds to skip up the rest of the way up. We enter his bedroom, having no time to look around. He throws me on the bed, quickly getting on top. His lips attached to my chest, kissing and sucking. My most sensitive area is my nipples. They're tender and pink, ready to be in between his teeth. The excitement in me only grows when he flips me over, so I'm on top of him. Willingly giving power over him, he doesn't realize what he's just done.

My beautiful boy.

He goes for his pants, rushing with his buckle to get it undone. I smack his hand away, he looks at me stunned by my actions.

He conflicts with himself, unsure if he should be mad or turned on with me smacking him. The smack was light, nothing to cause any bruises. A small tint of red begins to show, which causes me to bite my lower lip in satisfaction. Every time I touch him, it's like he's constantly thinking about if he likes what I did or not.

"You like that, baby?"

He nods.

"Wanna try it with me?"

His eyes widen, I grab his hand and bring it to my face. He palms my cheek as I look at him. It's a small reassurance, that I'm here and everything will be fine.

"You can say no. Only if you want to." I make sure he knows he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want.

"I do," he timidly says, "where?"

"People pick differently, my ass, my thighs, my hands, even my face even." Im still sat on his dick, rubbing dangerously close to my core. The second I said my face, I felt him twitch against me.

"Let's play it safe, smack my ass whenever you want. Okay?" He nods quickly.

I shake my head, smiling down at him. I grab one of his shoulders and guide him back up to me. My fingers slip in his hair as I take a handful and pull. He hisses as I bring his face to mine.

"Use your words, my dirty boy."

"Okay." He says.

"Safe." He whispers.

"Yeah." He's dazed, barely comprehending his babbling.

I push him back down onto the bed and climb off of him, opening his buckle and unbuttoning his pants. I struggle to get his pants off but eventually, they come sliding off. He's so hard, it's like a tent in his boxers. I can't help but feel bad, I rub on his erection feeling him throb across my hand. A pained moan comes from his throat, as his hips buck off the mattress. His hands instinctively grab hold of the sheets. Anything to keep his grounded. Chills erupt all over my arms from excitement, feeling overcome with the need to get him to come.

I peel his boxers off his body, in no mood to take my time anymore. My hands are sweating and my mind is racing with all the things I can do to him. He's patiently waiting for me to do something, anything to ease his pained pleasure.

"I want you to fuck me," I say, the air around us is warm and overwhelmingly smells like him. I want to scream with how wound up I am. "Take off my skirt, please. Just rip it off."

He looks at me in confusion, I dig my nails into the skin on his chest. I plead with him through my eyes, not able to verbally explain why I need his help. I'm going crazy. He winces at the pain, but his body betrays him as his mouth flies open and a gruntled moan escapes his lips. He quickly grips the slit near my legs and pulls apart the skirt, the loud tear just makes me clench even harder. I hear my heart beating so loudly in my ears, i feel so needy for him to fuck me already.

I sit on my knees, hovering over him as I grab hold of his dick. His head is pink and sensitive, I start to pump with one hand, my other on his chest holding myself up.

He's breathless, looking down at my body above him. His hands reach out for me but he snatches them back to his head, gripping his hair so hard. He slides his hands to the back of his head resting on them like a pillow.

"Oh god." He says, frantically looking down at my hand and back up to my face.

I take my free hand and slide my thong to the side, "Do you have a condom?" I ask.

"N-no, I haven't needed them." He is not coherent as he speaks.

"My beautiful boy, I need you to pay attention, or I can't do anything with you." I sternly say, making it known I can't continue if he doesn't cooperate.

His eyes flutter open, looking up at me. "I'm here, Love." He seems more awake which makes me smile. I press a kiss to his chest.

"Good boy," I say, kissing down his chest. "Now, tell me, am I allowed to fuck you raw? My last checkup was three weeks ago and I'm on birth control."

He nods. "I'm okay with that." He breathes out. "Please, please just fuck me." He pants, grabbing at my arm to continue stroking him.

"So needy." I giggle at him. "Anything for you."

I grab his hard cock and direct his tip to my clit, slowly sliding him between my lips. From the contact, my jaw practically unhinges due to the pleasure that throbs through my lower half.

"Fuck, Harry." I slowly slide his tip in my entrance, no longer wanting to tease him and drag this on. I push myself down on his dick, sliding down with ease. It sounds wet and he feels so deep inside me, my eyes shut closed with pleasure. I make my way back up, only to forcefully push myself down again. I keep a steady pace, bouncing on him. He watches with wide eyes, seeing himself disappear inside me. This position is good, but not good enough.

I quickly sit up, turning around and getting back on my knees. I'm now facing away from him, with my ass in his face. I look over my shoulder, only to see him blankly staring.

"Cowgirl." I calmly say. I take hold of him and sink down.

"Oh my fucking god!" He yells, being taken off guard with the new angle. I bounce my ass, wasting no time in building up in speed. My strokes are short and deliberate. I look back over my shoulder, his eyes are squeezed shut and his curls are all over his forehead. He looks breathtaking.

I take one of my hands and begin to rub my clit, my vagina clenches around his dick as I run fast pace circles directly on the nerve I know so well.

"Talk to me, Harry," I say in between gasps.

"You- you feel so good." He grunts, holding my hips and pulling me onto his dick. My movements turn rough as my ass slams against his groin.

"Such a good boy, what's- oh god, what's my name?" It's becoming harder and harder to talk.

"Love, fuck. It's love, just love." He moans out. "Only you."

"That's right, now spank me."

I don't even have to repeat myself because right when the words leave my lips his hand comes cracking down my left ass cheek.

Oh, yes! Just like that. Again." I force my voice out. Another smack echos through the room. A pleasured moan crawls out of my throat.

"Harder." I grit out, wanting nothing more than for him to fuck me until I can't walk anymore. This time, it's with a heavy hand. He smacks the same cheeks in the same spot, causing my back to arch from the pain. It feels so good and travels to my core as I continue to throw my ass on his dick.

I'm so dazed in the moment, I don't realize he's lifted me off of him, and he's now on his knees. My back is to him as he grabs my neck and pulls me into his chest. A gasp leaves my lips from his harsh movement, still throbbing from his constant pounding into my pussy.

"Living up to the dirty boy nickname I see, want to fuck me from behind?" I smirk at his eagerness to take over.

"Dirty boy, yeah." He deliriously says, putting his tip at my entrance and slamming into me.

"Oh fuck!"

His grip on my neck tightens as he fucks me, i guide his other hand to my clit, and move his fingers in a side to side motion. He's rough in all the right ways and quick with the snap of his hip. It's just how I've always wanted it. He's holding my neck in the exact right places, my head starts to go fuzzy as I feel the build start-up in my lower abdomen. All the air is being sucked out of me, I feel his balls slap against my wet skin, making a heavenly sound.

"Mm, you like it rough?" I ask, barely able to get a word out.

He doesn't answer, so I clench around him. He hunches onto me, a grunt leaves his lips as I kegel around him again.

"Yes, yes, yes! Don't stop that, Love." He sounds panicked.

When my name leaves his lips, the build-up to my orgasm skips steps and starts to tip over quicker than expected.

"Harry, fuck I'm close."

He continues his ferocious movements on my clit and thrusts into me so rough, I know I won't be able to walk. I smile at the thought.

"Come with me, Love."

As if he commanded it, my orgasm breaks through its threshold and hits me like a tidal wave. My voice gets caught in my throat as I try to scream out. Harry cums right after me, twitching above me. Mumbling out my name repeatedly, to the point where he has no voice left in him. He collapses on me, no longer able to keep himself up. The room is hot and smells like sex, the sheets are stuck to our skin as we come down from our highs. He eventually comes to and lifts himself up and out of me. He falls next to me with a thud, looking at me with a face I can only describe as pleased. He smiles at me. I giggle when he wipes the sweat from his forehead.

"That wasn't very amateur of you." He takes in my words, shaking his head in confusion. Suddenly he realizes and bursts into a fit of laughter. I join in right after, his contagious laugh bringing it out of me.

And to think this is my same shy lifeguard.

[rosegoldenatlas]

hey this is really early for me bug im going to bed early tonight

i feel absolutely disgusting right now

like theres usual just self hatred going on (i did some stupid things and im a horrible person and i dont know why im like this) (i should just shut up and stop talking to people) (i dontk now why im even sending you this) (im sorry) + when my mother kissed me before she went to bed tonight she kissed me on the lips and i want to vomit so bad and i just cant stay awake or im going to do something stupid

also my emotions have just been incredibly irregular and its awful. like one minute ill be the calmest ive been in ages and then the next second ill be wanting to kill myself. idk. im barely holding myself together right now

also it seems like i will be forced to interact with my ex on this friday and GOD i cannot be around her right now but i cant find a way out of it. also i need to stop taking my pills on friday too in preperation for a surgery, but my medical condition is actively made way worse by stress and without pills + the stress im going through + the stress of having to be around her im worried about how bad it might get

whatever. hopefully your having a better night than me

hopefully i can actualy get some sleep tonight tbh

might just end up laying there wishing i was dead for hours

stay awesome atlas

hopefully ill be a better person in the morning

Oh I'm so sorry you've been having a bad time recently. I'll go through this in order as per usual.

Ah, the self hatred. Please don't say all of those bad things about yourself alright? Its been proven that saying that kind of stuff out loud (yes this includes typing it) can cement these lies and exaggerations in your head more. Try making your language a bit more positive okay? I know I sound like every generic therapy website right now and it might not seem helpful bit I promise it can help. And also, don't say sorry for reaching out. I'll get the squirt bottle back out if I have to. She kissed you on the lips? I would want to throw up too. Brush your teeth and scrub you lips a little (not too much, don't want to hurt you) and see if that helps, making emotions physical in at least mostly healthy ways is what I try to do.

Oh. Huh. I've been having the same thing happening. I will go into detail another night but yeah me too.

Okay just remember that the times you have to interact with your ex is limited. It will end. Okay? Its not forever no matter how long time may drag. As for the pills, I have no idea what your condition is but I hope your surgery goes smoothly. The most my conditions have gotten me are some MRI scans and eeg tests. So a lot of sitting dead still for hours or else. So I don't have a lot of experience with surgery and pills. I hope whatever you're doing is over quickly I guess.

I have my racist/sexist/homophobic and the works grandpa coming over for a few days- starting tomorrow. I was told an hour ago.

I want to hug you right now. Give you a nice warm hug. It won't make it all better but hugs are nice. Unless you don't want a hug at the time, then we can just talk.

Sleep well. Dream of whatever you like best.

And you are always a good person so you can fuck right off with that 'I hope I'm a better person in the morning' nonsense. You're already the best you can't keep stealing all the better in the world. Gods, you Queens have to stop hogging all of the beauty and kindness in the world. Disney wants their princess back my Queen

[travisklcesasdfasd]

PRIVATE: i don't know how you missed that i loved dogs, i've always been someone to love them. and i love your mom's dog, think because the dog feels my size, but don't worry i won't go for anything too big. oh the favorite child huh? i get where this is coming from you're jealous of your mom's dog stealing the limelight. can't deny the dog is a damn star in it's own right, babe. i'm sure that they would adjust to having a dog around, it's not like your cats are horrible monsters, they might be a little off put at first but with a little extra love and figuring thing out we can make anything happen. you have no clue how happy i am to hear that you're the happiest you've been in a long time. it's all i want for you, to be happy, to know that i will do whatever it takes to make you happy. that at the end of the day all i want is for us to have a loving, healthy relationship based on honesty, respect, and transparency. which we've been pretty good at doing so far. i promise we will find a way to make christmas still be the special holiday you love and enjoy, you don't have to give it up. still get to decorate, throw parties, it'll just look a little different on christmas morning since i'll be heading in to the game. we can always get up super early to celebrate, or do our gifts to each other christmas eve. a lot of countries celebrate the big part of it the night before so we could make that a thing. i've no doubt that we will find a way to make that special. you will have your recording studio, i'll have my man cave, it's a win-win for both of us in this case. plus it's not like i'm going to sell my new place in kc anytime soon and then if we want to build in nashville we have somewhere that is already homebase for the time being. i think i might have to keep that part a secret but did i ever tell you why i picked the ring that i did?

if it's something you want, that i'm all for it. not actively trying but not actively preventing pregnancy. from what i gather between all your extensive working out, the performances, coming off birth control, our schedules not always lining up to be together, we wouldn't possibly even get pregnant for probably several months or over a year, maybe two years. and that's being probably more generous, not that i know everything but just based on what i know and have looked into a little bit. starting with one or two and then going from there. because i don't think i'd mind three or four... but obviously we have to see how one goes first.

how does one end up with someone as amazing as tree. does she have someone she's training that's as amazing that i can hire on. because sooner or later i'll clean house with my own team and want something a bit more streamline and know for sure that they are working in my best interest. if people found out that that is all it would take to release rep TV they'd be finding ways to make those photos happen so how about we keep that between you and me, because i love you but i'm not looking to have my bare ass on the fron of a magazine. just a woman, babe, i love you, but you are so much more than just a woman.

you do have a tendency to be loud even if i'm covering your mouth with my hand. there are plenty on the team that are work colleagues that i wouldn't call friends, but i would still be respectful of because they're my teammates. we need to be able to work as a team, we don't want to throw off that magic we have and i'm not going to be the one to do it, neither is pat, so we'll work together and continue to do what we need to do on the field. someday maybe i'll get to say what i truly felt back then but for now it just is how it is. does it mean i won't make mention not to bring you up again in his speeches and make it very clear you're off limits, whether it's lyrics or not. he's gonna have the best time with espn i just know it. and i've no doubt that he'll be ripping me apart every step of the way, until someone else does it too much and then he'll be ready to fight.

okay, rightfully, no i wouldn't actually quit when i just have a few years of my contract left, we're in our prime, so i don't see us struggling so that wouldn't need to happen. even if i know you'd love to see groupie travis, you're gonna have to wait a bit for that, baby. oh i like how you think, thinking ahead, a midnights suit in chiefs colors, i'm going to say fuck yes. talk about an early birthday present for me. as long as i can get some kind of a remake home so that i can enjoy it for myself. the fans have gotten to enjoy it far longer than i have and i need to make up for the time. you wouldn't be encroaching, i would happily invite you but i don't know how breaking the internet would go if we had you on because you know that would happen. it's bad enough i give away when you're in the room with me by the way i stare at you because you're a little minx who walks around half naked.

we'll be together soon, babe. i promise. i've got some things i need to take care of but the second i can be back out traveling to see you perform i'll be there. check your phone later i may have sent you some stuff for later baby, but i'm expecting some back in return later.

Private: A dog man?! Who are you and who did I agree to marry? No, it's okay. I'll forgive this fatal flaw and one day, we'll have a dog. As long as it's not a big one like my moms. Cause that thing is more of a horse. And the favorite child. I don't know how the cats will love having a dog around full time. I'm the happiest I've ever been in my whole life. And feel the most me I have in a long time. A lot of that has to do with you and showing me how it is to be in a healthy, loving relationship again. I wake up and just feel... happy. Even when we're apart. It's crazy. I'm fine with people going out of business because we're boring. I know that it's all part of your job. It just sucks because Christmas is my favorite holiday. But you know I can adapt. It's something I chose when I wanted to be with you. We both make sacrifices to be with one another. And I wouldn't change that for the world, my love. You telling me that just makes me want to start drawing up plans for some renovations but I'll hold off until I'm home. I'll try not to take over your man cave too much. But when we find our home - we'll make sure that there's plenty of space for everything that we want. Maybe we can just purchase some land and build our dream house. All I know is I want a recording studio and a big kitchen so I can cook and bake. I dunno, baby - you getting down on one knee was a pretty big thing. And is one of my favorite memories. I still want to know how you pulled all that off without me knowing. Are you ever going to tell me?

I can talk to my doctor all about it. I'll set up an appointment with them. Even though it'll be via zoom. But... it's something that I want. I've never really thought about family planning before. Just preventing the whole baby thing. But now... I don't want to prevent it. I want everything with you. Just maybe... not a whole football team. We can start with one or two and see if we can handle them first.

Tree truly is a lifesaver when it comes to certain things and I'm sure that she'll help us to make sure the wedding is as private as possible. I'm going to hand that responsibility over to her because that's one stress that I don't want. If people managed to get photos of us in the bedroom doing things... then maybe it'd get me to release Rep TV, ha. Because I think I'd be pissed off enough to do that. One day maybe people will get bored with me. I'm really not that interesting. Just a woman out there living my life.

And I would do the same for your friends. They're part of my family now so I'd do anything to make sure that they're happy. Especially Ross and Pat. Joe did seem to disappear. He probably heard us fucking and didn't want to hear none of that. I can't keep quiet when I'm with you. Like you always say, people can think what they want to. It's all so complicated with everything going on. And the two of you aren't friends. You're just work colleagues. No one gets along with everyone they work with. You've said what you needed to say and that's all you can do in this moment in time. Everything is a bit of a nightmare at the moment but at least it happened before the season really started, right? So you can work through this and not have to worry about it when it comes to the games and such. Jase is such a good man, and I'm ready to see what he does with ESPN. I hope he's brutal with you and takes no mercy. Just because I think that'd be amusing.

You'd quit football so that we can have amazing sex? Interesting proposition there. And one that I'm not going to echo. You can just be my groupie and make sure that I'm getting a good fucking each night. So... do you also want me to get a midnights body suit in the chiefs colors? Just give me a list here, babe. I thought it was a good moment to bring it out of retirement for a moment. People also thought that it got lost in the fire. There were many rumors going around about that suit. I can bring it back home, though. People thinking I'm going to be a guest star just to be disappointed since I'd be in there for less than a minute. But also - that's completely your thing. I don't need to encroach on everything that you do.

Oh, yeah? Well, next time we're together - I'll be sure to give you a couple of hickeys. I can easily pay that favor back to you, Trav. Although you could hide it so easily. Nothing wrong with using a little make up to cover it up. I'm not planning on having a wardrobe malfunction anytime soon. You've got nothing to worry about there. Those marks are completely safe. Even if I do like admiring them in the mirror and knowing exactly what you did to me. I don't think it makes you cocky at all. What's the point in arguing back?

[hello-nichya-here]

Do you have any thoughts on the whole Johnny Depp and Amber Heard scandal?

*deep breaths* Aaaaand here we go. I'm finally gonna stick my hand in this wasp nest.

Look, I don't know either of them personally, I don't remember watching anything with Amber in it and I stopped caring about Johnny's works right after the Pirates Of The Caribean movies started sucking, and I am 100% willing to look at the whole thing with an open mind...

But while Johnny is no saint (dude dated a minor despite being a fully grown adult, clearly has a drug/drinking problem, and said some INCREDIBLY DISTURBING shit about Amber), I just can't ignore that:

01) There's literal audio of Amber actually saying the words "I can't promise you that things won't get physical again", calling him a baby for trying to de-escalate fights with her, mocking him for "begging someone to save him", admitting to punching him and throwing pots and pans at him, and even infamously straight up saying "Tell the world, Johnny. Tell them, I, Johnny Depp, male, an a victim of domestic violence. See how many people believe or side with you."

02) She claims to have gone though some horrible shit (violent rape, broken glass at her feet, being hit in the head until passing out, and having her nose broken multiple times) that would probably have left her at the hospital for days and leave scars, yet somehow she healed perfectly without going to a doctor once.

03) She lied about donating the money she won from their divorce after going on and on about how this was proof she wasn't accusing him of domestic violence for money/revenge.

04) Every single one of her witness except for her sister say they never saw Johnny get violent after drinking, while he had plenty of people supporting his claims against her ("He could have bought them off!" So could she, guys, they're both rich. If we're giving her the benift of the doubt until proven otherwise, we gotta do the same for him.)

05) Amber's lawyer straight up lied about a make up pallet she supposedly had used all through their relationship to hide bruises (and that was even accepted as evidence against Johnny) but that had actually only been sold after they had already divorced.

06) She has a previous accusation of domestic violence (though she has not been proven guilty of it) while Johnny has none.

07) Her claim that Johnny had part of his finger (ONE finger, the rest of his hand was fine) cut (CUT, not crushed, broken, or bruised) after hitting her with a phone just does not make as much sense as his claim that it happened after she threw a bottle at him (especially with the recording of her admitting to throwing things at him). Yes, I know he said he hurt it himself previously, but if we are supposed to give Amber the benefit of the doubt and say she could have hidden her own abuse out of shame/fear (which is something many abuse victims do) we need to do the same for Johnny, and again, he has more evidence to back up his claims than she does.

Overall, this far, on this day, 21 of May 2022, from what I've seen, I'm siding with Johnny. Unless there's some major twist that can prove all of his evidence against Amber was somehow faked AND she can actually bring up something solid against him, I don't see this changing. It sucks that I have to say that I think Amber is lying because there's still sadly a ton of women being abused by their partners and this can lead to people just assuming they're lying too because mysogyny is still a thing, but there is just too much pointing in favor of Johnny being the abuse victim in this specific situation.

Now excuse me while I prepare for the shitstorm.

[sillylittlestoryblog]

Riff x artist!Reader Chapter 3

Notes: sorry guys.😭 I wasnt feeling that great in the last weeks, thats why it took me so long to write a new Chapter. I m trying my best, Friends.✨Hope you like it. Stay Hydrated, love Mai💗

Warnings: bad grammar

Desperate about what had happend to my painting, I sat on the fire escape and pondered. I had to find a plan as quickly as possible. Preferably one that could still work out today. It was already in the afternoon. The sun was shining between the skyscrapers of the city. I saw mrs Murphy lugging her groceries across the street, talking to the janitor of the building across the street. She was probably spreading the latest gossip she had heard at the market. I found myself thinking about Riff again. I had heard his name before - I was convinced of it by now. Maybe mrs Murphy had talked about him once. I thought about how she would spread gossip about me and Riff. I would much rather have that, than stories about me and Tommy of whether or not we were engaged.

Only now the stories about me and Riff were not even that unrealistic. I thought with horror that Mrs Murphy could have found my drawings. If that had happened, then I was as good as dead. My father would probably lock me up in our apartment for months and John would lock up my stuff, or worse, throw it away.

John couldn't stand it if I had feelings for a jet. Or any gang member. He's dreamed of seeing me and Tommy together for too long. Nothing could stop him. Sometimes I think about what I would do if women had the same rights as men. I wouldn't be here anymore. Maybe I would travel around the world, or wear pants. But these kind of thoughts were pointless.

I thought I had reached a new low point of the day, when suddenly I had an idea.

John really wanted me and Tommy to get together. That was for sure. So what if I just played along.

"Brother, I have a question. I know I've already been to docs once today. But is there any way I can go there again real quick? I'll be back in 15 minutes I promise."

" I don't think so. I don't like you spending so much time there. Those gang boys hang out there a lot. That's no place for a young lady like you."

" I know, I know John. But you know I've been thinking about it and...I'd like to ask Tommy out.“ i tried to sound as honest as possible. „ And he's coming to see you tonight. So I thought it would be nice if I got him his favorite chocolate from Valentina. He really likes it and I would love to have a present for him. He is always so generous to me. Please John."

"If that's the case, then thats fine with me. I'm glad you finally fancy him. I've always said you'd make a beautiful couple. But be back in time."

I really hoped he didnt notice my fake smile. The idea of me and Tommy as a couple was too horrible. Nevertheless, I could not help but rejoice. If I was lucky, the painting was still where I had lost it.

I walked through the noisy streets of new york. Past the paperboys on the street corner. A confident look on my face. A bag in one hand. The other one was nervously playing with the hem of my skirt. A habit since childhood. Father had always hated it. He said that my insecurity could be seen from miles away. Besides fidgeting was nothing what a young woman in my social rank did.

Fortunately for me, Valentina had not yet closed. Without thinking further, I went into the store. At first glance it was dark and no one was to be seen. But I heard voices coming from the basement. It had to be Tony and Valentina.

"They will be with me soon," I thought. I was overwhelmed that I was so lucky again. There was no one in the store, which meant I could search intensively for my picture. Without having to find a stupid excuse like "I dropped my pearl earrings" . This thought made me smile.

I went to the table where I had been sitting in the morning. This was the last time i Hand Seen my painting. But instead of my drawing, there was only a pack of cigarettes. The box was almost empty. Only one cigarette was still in it. Dark blue paint was stuck to the side of the box. I took it in my hand to have a better look. Even though my brother and father had the habit of smoking, I had never held such a pack in my hand before. My brother said it was not something suited for me. Just like alcohol.

I had always kept to the rules of the two men, but in this moment the feeling of curiosity overcame me for the first time. What would happen if I would not keep to these rules. But before I should continue to think about whether I should dare to smoke a cigarette or drink a sip from the gin bottle that stood on the top shelf of the kitchen, the door opened behind me. Without giving it much thought, I put the pack of cigarettes in my pocket.

Standing in front of me were Tony and...

Not Valentina. It was Tony and Riff. The two were still engaged in their conversation. Neither had noticed me.

"Come on Tony, it will be fun for you to dance again. And please let me know if you find out anything."

Nervously I started playing with the hem of my skirt again. I wanted to stare at the floor but instead I looked at him again. As if we were the only two people on this planet. He had a beautiful laugh. One of those laughs you always want to hear. His whole face was beaming.

He turned his head a little to the side. With his left hand, unnoticed by Tony, he reached into the bowl next to him.

"Would he look at me? Would he know it was me who had drawn him like a madwoman in front of the store. Maybe he'd say something to me..."

The thoughts just bubbled in my head. I had the feeling of completely losing my mind. I didn't even know this young man! What was i thinking?!

„Yeah, we'll see. And hey, Riff! Don't steal milkyways again." Tony tried to take the candy out of Riff's hand. But Riff was faster, he turned around and ran past me without giving me a glance. I didn't realize what had happened until the door had closed behind him and Tony had said my name out loud several times.

The rest of the day felt numb. I bought the chocolate for Tommy and asked Tony as uninterested and normal as I could about the drawing. But Tony just gave me a knowing look and told me to ask Valentina about the drawing. Tony definitely knew more than he wanted to say. He had probably found the drawing himself. Normally I would be freaking out now. Or start asking Tony about every detail he knew. But the disappointment that Riff hadn't even noticed me, had already triggered a different feeling.

Lost in my thoughts, I walked home. I hadn't been feeling this low in a long time. Now I had to go on this stupid date with Tommy. And my excuse was pointless. With my head down I walked along the street. Not knowing that on the other side, across from docs, an excited young man was walking up and down the road. In the small pocket of his ripped shirt, was a carefully folded sheet of paper.

[lotrthobbit]

Just Like You

Fili x Dwarf! Reader

GN Reader

Warning: Angst, Pregnancy

A/N: Woodland Princess Finale part 2 is done, Ive been posting One shots to keep ya'll entertained. Check out the Masterlist also apologies this is not my best, I kinda lost interest when writing it

I opened my eyes and quickly got out of bed making my way towards the restroom. My stomach has been killing me throughout the night, consistently having this nauseating feeling, sometimes even throwing up my meals.

" Are you alright my love ?" called my husband Fili as he came in helping me and rubbing my back. I wiped my mouth and flushed it out with water while nodding," Yeah I guess the food recently has been making me sick, maybe I have a stomach bug ?"

" AN INSECT ?!" yelled Fili with wide eyes

I could only chuckle," No my love." He sighed in relief, but then looked at me with stern eyes.

" Will you really be okay with me leaving this afternoon ?"

" Yes because I want you to explore and see our kingdom, but no because I will miss you terribly."

" I will miss you too my love." He kissed my temple.

" Let us have some breakfast before we meet with the others and discuss what will happen."

I nodded. We had went into our kitchen making a simple morning meal which filled my belly. I was satisfied with how life was, but Fili, Kill, and Thorin had longed for their home, despite never seeing it, Thorin would always tell the brothers about its beauty, its greatness.

it was time for them to take back their home, but part of me felt this horrible feeling of fear. I looked at Fili seeing him eating happily, how lucky I was to be with this man.

His blonde hair glowed in the morning sun, casting a beautiful ethereal glow. He had such beautiful eyes, one could get lost within them.

" Do I have something on my face ?" he asked. I simply smiled and leaned in to kiss him," No I'm just going to miss your face." He smiled and leaned in placing a kiss on my lips.

" I'm going to miss you to my love."

" Promise me you'll come back and we can make a life in Erebor?"

" I promise my love."

In that moment I felt like I was floating, like I could conquer the world. I was in love.

" Won't you be lonely without me ?" asked Fili

" No, your mother will keep me company." I chuckled as we heard the sound of slamming doors only to see Kili and Dis come in through the front door.

" Good Morning my beautiful children !" she smiled as she walked in on us at the table.

" Eating already ? OH ! (y/n) I brought you some medicinal herbs that may help with the stomach pains."

" thank you so much mother."

She placed a kiss on my forehead," I'm going to miss you boys so much, good thing (y/n) will be here to keep me company." she pulled me into her side.

" Please take care of her mother." said Fili.

" Of course, I've also been trained for battle !" we all laughed at how she posed. Such small moments like this brought me happiness, this was my family.

That same day we had set off into town to meet up with the rest. We sat within a small cavern enjoying drinks, while I enjoyed ( favorite drink). It was bustling with men and women singing to the top of their lungs, all of Middle Earth seemed to be here. I leaned my head onto Fili's shoulder, " What is wrong my love ?"

I looked into his beautiful eyes, feeling butterflies in my stomach," I'm just going to miss you." I said. He placed a kiss on my head," I will too."

We spent time embracing until they announced they were setting off to Hobbiton. Part of me worried if they'd make it safely across Middle Earth, but I trusted him and the rest of the company that they would get there safe and sound.

" I love you."

" I love you more." he said as he kissed my lips.

I felt tears resurfacing into my eyes," I-ill see you later."

" See you later.."and thus they all walked down the path, the sun was beginning to set, they decided to travel by night since they had more cover from the people who were also hearing the prophecy coming to life.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, " come now dear," said Dis. We walked into her house, I stayed in Fili's old room and felt myself fall into his bed, the smell of him still lingered as I felt tears continuing to fall.

" Please... Please be safe." I whispered.

I cried myself to sleep that night, despite Dis showing a brave face, I could also hear her cries through the wall, she of course was also worried for her sons and her brother.

I could only listen and cry as well, I'm sorry Dis.

.

.

The next morning I woke up once again with a queasy feeling I had the day before. I ran to the restroom puking out all of the contents consumed the night before.

I felt a hand on my back," Fili I'm okay." I turned around to see Dis," Oh.. Im sorry mother, I've been feeling queasy as of late."

"How long has this been going on for ?"

" For about 2 weeks." I replied to which a smile grew on her face.

" Get dressed immediately !"

She ran like a crazy woman into her room.

I quickly got dressed wondering where she would be taking me.

When I had exited she stared at me with a wide smile, " we are going to a doctor !"

" A doctor ?" I asked, I was a little nervous.

She grabbed my hand and smiled," Now now my dear, do not be afraid, I'll be with you." Her reassuring words make me feel a bit better.

We walked through the bustling town and made our way to the doctor who greeted us with a happy smile.

" Why Hello, what may I assist you today ?"

" Oh, Doctor, (y/n) has been feeling ill as of late, throwing up their meals every morning, they have also been consistently moody."

" Hmm. Let me examine them."

He took my weight, listened to me talk about all of my meals, and more. He then told me to wait in the room with Dis. I was a bit nervous, " Mother, do you think we can get some ( 'weird' combination of food that you like ) ?"

"Um... sure !" she replied while looking at me. Did it sound nasty ? It was quite a tasty treat though.

There was a knock at the door and the doctor came back in.

" Good news (y/n), you are with child !"

" Child ?!" I yelled.

" Oh my Oh my !!" yelled Dis jumping up in excitement.

" Yes, you are with child, congratulations."

I thought I would be devastated but instead I felt a smile grow onto my face, Fili will be so happy, but if I were to tell him over a letter he would come back, I can't do that to him, this trip means so much to him.

I was biting my lip, but was quickly snapped out of my thoughts when Dis embraced me.

" I am so happy ! I am going to be a grandmother ! Oh Fili is going to be so ex- What's wrong my dear ?" she asked with a worried look.

" I-I can't tell Fili now, this journey means a lot to him."

She nodded understanding," Then we can make it a surprise when he comes back, but Let me at least tell Thorin."

I smiled when she gave me and look of understanding to which I nodded yes. I was happy.

We then walked back and stopped by some stalls buying delicious foods. I was excited to meet my child and for Fili to meet them. .

.

.

5 months.

I was already getting big, I was waddling and I definitely felt the weight of this child, I wonder what it will be.

" Oh (y/n) I got a letter from Thorin, they are almost at the lonely Mountain !" she yelled happily.

I smiled seeing her run towards me while holding the letter and in her other hand a bag of delicious snacks.

8 months.

It was a struggle, Walking was painful, my feet swelled up, my dresses were tight. I simply felt uncomfortable. The night's were worse. I'm glad to have the bed to myself, but I found myself crying myself to sleep every night. I missed Fili so much, I wish he was here to embrace me, his warmth was much needed for these cold winter months.

I felt afraid that very soon I will have my child, but without him to be here.

Final Month.

Any day now, I could give birth and it was like the waiting game. Dis never left my side just in case I gave birth. For today we had decided to go to the nearby river to wash some laundry. We walked throughout the town, they smiled and waved at us. One of the shop owners who sold bread had gave me a loaf. He said," For the wee little lad." Many think it is going to be a boy, I don't really care what it is, I simply just want to give birth and be free from the constant aches and pains.

Once we arrived at the stream we Began to get to work washing the sheets and within 30 minutes I felt a gush of water fall down my legs, I felt a sharp pain and fell down to my knees. Dis immediately ran to me," (y/n) Oh my ! Get into the stream and lean against the rocks. The stream was gentle. I was in so much pain, it started in the morning, but then I simply ignored it thinking it was normal.

" I-it hurts so much."

" We can't make it to the doctors or the house in time, you are going to have to deliver them here !"

" I-im scared." I felt tears streaming down my cheek.

She kissed my forehead, " Be strong I am here and you are a Durin !"

I nodded as she grabbed my hand and told me to push. The pain was excruciating, it I was sweating and in pain. I felt fear, but my main focus was getting this child out of me. I felt myself grip her hand

( I know it is unrealistic but pls bare with me lol)

" I see a head ! You got this !"

"nghhhAhhhh" I pushed and pushed, it felt like forever.

But then I heard a baby cry, Dis looked up at me and smiled," He's beautiful. " it was a beautiful boy, So beautiful his hair was slicked down by everything but I could see the faint golden blonde locks, just like his father. He was beautiful, I found myself tearing up at the sight of this beautiful baby boy, my baby boy.

dis was rubbing my hair, " he's so beautiful." she kissed my forehead.

I was oad been a few months, still no sign of their return, but we were notified that they had made their way towards Laketown, they were captured by no other than King Thranduil, King of Mirkwood. We were worried while reading the letter especially hearing about Kili and his injury but alas he seemed to find his match. It brought smiles to our faces at the mention of how he seemed to fall in love instantly with this mysterious woman.

I was looking at my son who I named (son's name). He was giggling at the sight of Dis making a funny face. He seemed to be growing up faster than I thought, his curly golden locks were everywhere, he seemed to be a splitting image of Fili. He loved to eat by a campfire and look up into the beautiful night sky with Dis and I. We found ourselves staring at the beautiful stars and often he would giggle at the embers.

.

.

.

We have received a letter from Fili, they made it, Smaug was dead, but Throrin was acting different.

" I was worried this would happen." said Dis.

I was confused by what she meant.

" My father was obsessed his riches and the arkenstone, they call it the dragon's sickness. Thorin is currently being blinded by pure greed ."

I began to feel worry in the pit of my stomach. I held my child closer to my chest while running my fingers through his blonde hair.

" I hope everything will turn out alright." Dis looked up and smiled at me, despite the smile on her face, her eyes said something else, they were uncertain and held concern.

That night as I was getting into bed I could hear the quiet sobs from her room.

I found myself also tearing up, she was a strong person who always tried to aid others yet she was the one who was suffering the most. Her brother and her sons set off to reclaim the home that was taken from them.

I found myself staring at the bright stars in the night sky from my window wondering if Fili was also looking at them. We were under the same sky but far apart. I could only hope he'd return safely and meet his son.

.

.

.

.

It had been about 3 weeks, many rumors were spreading, Dain had gone to aid the company, something about a war had broken out. It made me worry more for the safety of my husband.

" Worry not sweetheart, they are amazing warriors."

" I do not doubt their combat skills, but still I can not help but worry for their safety."

She placed a hand on my shoulder, We have yet to hear from them.

( child's name) had become quite adorable and chubby, he had Fili's hair and eyes while he had my nose and lips. I smiled at his little giggles as he looked up to see a small drawing of Fili.

" da..da.." then proceeded to blow raspberries.

" yes ! That's Dadda." I laughed alongside him. He was beginning to grow quite adventurous. Often times looking around the room touching new objects, he seemed to always stare off at the sword hanging on the wall and the picture of the Lonely mountain hanging in the hallway. He also stared at the photo of Fili alot, despite how young he is, it was like he understood already.

" Your father will be so excited to see you." I smiled as I looked at him, for some reason I felt tears build up within my eyes.

" I don't know why I'm crying." I laughed as I wiped them, but more tears came out and my child looked up at me and simply placed his small hand on my thigh and laid his head down on it after.

Was this his way of comforting me ?

I felt myself cry more, I miss him.

.

.

2 Months had pass by and we finally received a knock at the door only to see Balin and Dwalin.

I excitedly grabbed my son and ran passed them only to see no one else but Gandalf and the Hobbit who was known as Bilbo Baggins staring at me with sorrow in their eyes.

" W-where is everyone ?" I asked. Dis had already stared wide eyed at Dwalin as she began to tear up at the sight of ( son's name) eyes staring at the 2 dwarves, Wizard, and Hobbit.

I found myself falling to my knees and all the voices around me seemed to sound muffled as I held my son in my arms. I stared up his beautiful eyes, they looked just like his. His beautiful golden hair, just like Fili. He was the splitting image.

" I'm sorry." I whispered as I kissed his forehead and cried. He held strands of my hair in his small chubby hands, such innocent and beautiful life, so unaware of cruel life.

" How ?" I whispered looking up at Balin who had been patting my back to comfort me.

" He died protecting his brother and uncle, he fought bravely, he not only fought for us, but for the future of his family." I found myself crying more at the thought of my husband being in pain.

" Did you all Bury them ?" " We have them in a royal tomb, it has not been sealed, we are awaiting a proper ceremony for both of you."

I looked down at my child stroking his beautiful locks.

"Let's go see your father,"

As we had arrived at the lonely mountain on the backs of large birds, something Dwalin and Balin hated, but did for the sake of time, I felt my stomach drop. Such a beautiful place, yet I could not live with Fili in it.

When we entered the halls, numerous candles were lit casting a beautiful golden glow against the walls. Many dwarves had arrived to pay their respects, they bowed at the sight of Dis and I.

I saw a beautiful and tall elf maiden standing over Kili while crying as she turned to look up at me, we both shared the same pain as I looked back down at Fili.

I placed my hand on his cold cheek and felt myself cry. I felt many emotions, love, anger, sadness, regret. I regret not begging him to stay, I regret not going with him. I regret not spending more time with the love of my life.

" H-hi My love." I whispered brushing his hair back. Dis was next to me holding my son and she patted my back then retreated back into the other room.

" I-I miss you... we have a son, I named him (son's name)... remember you liked it when we were young and talked about having a family, he-he's just like you." I slightly chuckled as tears ran down my cheek.

" He's playful, loves to explore, he seems to look at the sword mounted on the wall and often stares at your picture, he knows your his father." I held his hands tighter.

" I...I wish you were here to see him, he would Love you and you would love him, I love you."

I really really love you. I could not help but sob.

He's gone.

I could only feel a pat on my back as I looked up to notice the elf who also held a look of sadness.

" May he Rest In Peace." she whispered, " for the one who loves him will always cherish and remember their love and their memories." She then walked away.

I walked out and saw my son who was crying as I walked up to him and embraced him.

I kissed his forehead and lulled him to sleep, despite the pain we all feel, I will make sure that he knows how amazing and strong his father and uncles were, their brave deeds and how our home was reclaimed.

.

.

.

Giggles were heard as our son ran down the grassy hills and played with a wooden sword.

" I'M KING UNDER THE MOUNTAIN !" he yelled as he pretended to fight orcs.

" YOU SLY ORCS, I WILL TAKE YOU DOWN." he jumped and pretended to save me.

I laughed as his curly blonde hair slipped out of the small bun I did, his beautiful glossy eyes stared at me," ( what you want to be called as a parent ) , my hair fell out again, can't I just go ask Grandma Dis to do it for me, when you do it, it always falls out."

" Now now, you know she is currently busy."

" I know." he pouted, I ruffled his hair and patted for him to sit on my lap.

" Let me braid it."

I had braided his hair like I used to do for Fili. He smiled at me when I was finished, he looked like the striking image of his father.

" (Your parent name), do you miss father ?"

" I do, everyday, but I know he's looking over us."

" Really ?"

" Yes, he's proud of how you've become, a strong and adventurous child, just like him."

" I want to grow up and become king and show him my worth !"

" you do not have to show him any worth because he finds you worthy enough." I kissed his forehead as he then ran off to continue playing.

Hey Fili, I hope your looking down at us, our son, he's just like you

[nessaxc]

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Apologies || Miya Atsumu

Atsumu and you had a fight and he tires to apologize.

~ Rating: Explicit

~ Words: 2.1k

~ Tags: Fluff, Comfort, Comfort Sex, Praise Kink, Apologies Sex, Oral Sex, Angst, Cunnilingus, Vaginal Fingering

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You were sitting in the middle of the bed, knees pulled up to your chest, your arms resting on them. Every once in a while you wiped off a teardrop from your face. Your crying has stopped now, but there were tears that steal escaped your eyes.

He never talked to you like that. He never called you things like that.

This was the worst fight you had yet. You were together for four years now, and he shouted things you never knew he had in his head since you're together.

You said pretty awful things too, things you never thought you would, since you didn't really mean them.

But did he mean them?

Did he really think of you that way?

Or was he just hurt and wanted to hurt you back?

Well, he did hurt you. Your heart still makes that awful squeeze when you think back at what happened about half an hour ago.

Was he still in the house or did he leave?

You didn't know, but it was awfully quiet in the whole house.

It was so quiet that even the careful, soft knock on the closed door still made you jump.

"Babe?" - came his quiet voice.

Another tear fall down from your eyes and you wiped it off with your sleeve. The answer was the sound of you blowing your nose.

"Baby, I'm so sorry, please forgive me?" - even if his voice was weak you could tell he meant these words, but the wound on your soul was still felt too fresh to accept his apology this easily.

"Can you open the door, sweetheart? I know you locked it, because you don't wanna see me, but I'm so deeply sorry. I... I didn't think, I just said things to make you mad, because I felt mad, I didn't mean anything I've said, I promise."

You sure hoped so, because that would be awful and you would never want to see him again if he did.

"I'm sorry for shouting too. I was already frustrated with work, and then you started nagging me, and I don't even remember what we started fighting about in the first place, it just escalated so quickly..."

Well, if you think about it, you were throwing everything at each other from who's turn was it to do the laundry to barely going out together in the past few weeks. You didn't remember what started the fight either.

You remember saying that you started to get enough of living with him, and he replied with 'well, it wasn't my idea for you to move in with me, was it?' and fuck that hurt.

"I think I didn't take out the trash again, or something, right?"

You smiled a little as you wiped away another tear.

"I uh... I did just now."

You bit the inside of your cheek.

"And you want a pat on the head or something?" - you called back.

Atsumu let out a sigh of relief on the other side of the door, hearing that at least you were willing to talk to him. And fuck, his heart did a happy jump hearing your voice.

"Baby, open the door, please, I wanna see you. It wasn't even 30 minutes ago that you called me a selfish dickhead, but I already miss you."

You shook your head as you hopped off from the bed, and wiped your face again before you unlocked the door and opened it.

Atsumu’s eyes widened in hope, but he immediately felt regret wash over him when he saw your puffy, red eyes.

"Y/N, I'm so sorry. I swear I didn't mean any of it, please don't cry because of a stupid fucking idiot like me, okay?" - Atsumu pleaded as he slowly reached his hands out for you, and without hesitation, you stepped into his waiting arms and jumped up, wrapping your arms and legs around his tall form.

He immediately started peppering your hair, ear, shoulder with kisses and walked to the bed and sit down on it with you in his lap.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, you know I love that you moved in with me, you take care of me and I love you for it, princess, you're the best thing that ever happened to me."

You pulled away with a smile on your face to look at him, but you became worried when you saw the unshed tears in his eyes.

"Hey, what's wrong?" - you asked as you cupped his face gently.

He closed his eyes as he looked down shaking his head.

"I don't want to lose you." - he said in a rough whisper and you quickly wiped away his tears that ran down his cheeks after his confession.

"You won't Atsumu, I promise. I love you. And I said some pretty awful things I shouldn't have and I want you to know that I didn't mean them either."

Atsumu nodded and looked at your lips.

"You can kiss me." - you reassured him.

Atsumu nodded again and eagerly captured your lips with his. You kissed each other fast and passionate, both of you apologizing for the fight, but after a few minutes of deseperate attempts to make the other forgive for the things that had been said, you both calmed down, knowing everything is going to be alright, and neither of you will leave the other.

When you pulled away for a deep breath of air, Atsumu started kissing your jaw, slowly biting and sucking his way down to your neck, while your fingers sneaked their way into his hair, pulling with just the right amount of force which you know he loved.

"Excpet for the selfish dickhead part, I meant that from the bottom of my heart." - you whispered as you leant your head back to give him better access.

"I know, baby, I know. But you still love me, and I love you for that." - he murmued against your skin and put his palms on your ass to pull you closer to his hardening cock.

You moaned when you felt him between your legs and you started rubbing yourself against his bulge. You loved it when he wore sweatpants at home.

"Will you show me how much you love me?"

"Always." - he replied, and pulled off your hoodie and shirt in one move.

He loved it when you didn't wear a bra at home.

You leaned back a little to arch your back for him as he pushed your breasts together and licked both of your nipples. He kissed and bit each of your tits, wrapping his arms around your waist, wanting to feel every inch of your body against his.

"Take off your shirt."

"Yes ma'am."

You helped him with the task and when his upper body was naked you pushed him on his back. You held his hands above his head on the bed and slowly caressed your way down his wrists, arms, shoulders and chest. When you reached his stomach you gently dug your nails into his flesh, making him moan and thrust his hips up into yours.

You threw your head back with a deep moan, and Atsumu sat up quickly to kiss you and turn you on the bed, laying you on your back. He kissed you slow and deep, whispering apologies against your lips, and you accepted each with small nods, and needy moans.

His hands were working on removing both of your pants and underwear, and when he was done with those tasks, he cupped your heat with his right hand, slowly moving his fore- and middle finger between your soaking hole and swollen clit, watching your face as you whined sweetly for him.

He gently kissed down his way through your chest and stomach, while he slipped his fingers inside you. You moaned his name loud, which he always loved to hear.

"I'm so sorry for everything I've said, baby. Can I eat you out? Can I eat your sweet pussy, princess? Let me apologize to you properly, please."

You held yourself up with your elbows and nodded. Atsumu kissed the inside of both of your thighs while he was fingering you slowly, and he didn't break eye contact when he opened his mouth to lick your clit gently.

You moaned and bit your bottom lip, reaching out to grab his hair and carress him while he was lapping at your pussy.

"You're doing great baby, you're making me feel so good, I love you." - you encouraged him with sweet meows.

Atsumu nooded without stopping pleasing you, and he kept his eyes on you while you watched him eating you out.

You started to get louder, he was pumping his fingers in and out of you in a slow tempo but as your pussy started to get wetter and wetter, he curled them upwards in search of your g-spot. A sharp intake of breath from you told him that he found the right place, and as your thighs started to shake he massaged that spot faster and rougher. He switched from teasing your clit with gentle licks to sucking it with fervor. After every sharp breath you took in, you cried them out in pure bliss as you felt your insides squeeze together, and after a while the pressure started to get unbearable. Just a few seconds later your whole body tensed and you rubbed your pussy harder against Atsumu’s mouth to increase your pleasure to the max with loud cries and exhausting breaths.

Atsumu helped rode out your orgasm, and only let go of you when you pulled your pussy away from his mouth. He kissed your still shaking thighs, then climbed on top of you to kiss your mouth with passion.

"You're beautiful, baby, I can't get enough of you." - he praised you while he lined up his rock hard cock at your opening and started to make it wet with your juices. - "Need you now, princess, can I fuck you? I know you're still sensitive, but I can't wait any longer, I have to have you." - he pleaded, but his voice turned rough when he was horny, and it sounded more like a demand.

You weren't complaining.

You nodded against his lips and pulled your knees apart to gave him more room, and with a gentle thrust of his hips, he slipped inside your wetness easily. You both moaned at the feeling and you cupped his jaw with one hand to turn his head sideways so you could suck on his neck.

Atsumu shuddered when you kissed, bit and licked his skin there, making his hips slam into yours just a little bit harder than gentle.

"I will never talk to you like that again, okay baby?" - he looked down at you and pushed his forehead against yours. - "I will never shout again, I won't say those horrible things ever again, I promise I didn't mean any of it, okay, Y/N?"

You could only moan and nod as he was penetraing you in the most intimate way. He hooked his arm under one of your knees, pushing it against your chest, while your other leg was wrapped around his waist, your heel sinking into the spot just below his ass, urging him on to fuck his apologies into you, while he was staring in your eyes the whole time, so you could be sure that he means every word this time.

"I don't know what I would do without you, promise you never leave me?" - he leaned closer to your ear to whisper in it, but you could still look into his eyes as you answer.

"I'll never leave you, you're so good to me, Atsumu, no one loved me like you do." - you panted as you cupped his face, but you had to grab onto his upper arm, when his pace picked up at your words.

"Say you love me." - he whispered as he kissed your shoulder.

"I love you."

"I love you."

"I love you, Atsumu, oh my god, right there!"

"I love you, Y/N, cum for me, show me how much you love me!"

"A-Atsumu!" - you cried out as wave after wave of pleasure washed over your body. You bit down on Atsumu’s neck and sucked at his pulse, while you dragged your nails down his back, causing just a little bit of pain, because you knew it made him cum harder.

His pace picked up even more and the force of his thrusts made him sway the bed under you back and forth, slamming the headboard against the wall with loud banging, until you heard him moan loudly with each shot of cum that exploded out of his dick, turning your walls white.

He collapsed next to you on the bed with a grunt, and you curled into his side as his arms protectively held you close to his body.

"I love you, baby, and this was amazing, but please let's not fight ever again." - he panted, still trying to catch his breath.

"Deal, handsome."

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